Christmas in the BDH

This was our real first Christmas in the BDH, what is the BDH you ask.  That is my acronym for the Bigger Dream Home.  It really means big damn house that is eating me alive and that I will still be paying for when I am dead.  But let’s focus, yes we moved in on Christmas Eve of 2010, which made for a very exciting Christmas, so how do you top that; a house for Christmas.

I was planning a humble Christmas because of the huge expense of the house this past year, and I really wanted a “hallmark Christmas”.  You know the kind you see on TV that makes you secretly tear up, but you say “there was something in my eye”  One of those Christmas’s that involve enlightenment, peace on earth and of course everything coming together on Christmas morning.

I did however have the typical “Bigger” Christmas, no big surprises. Really after all these years this year were the first that we started a tradition, well we actually started last year; we went to the Chinese restaurant for Christmas dinner.  Not because our dog ate the turkey but because we thought we did it the first Christmas in the BDH so why not from now out.  I am not sure if it is funny or sad that it was the most exciting thing we did. 

I guess I should be grateful, we have survived this year, and grown, and been healthy.  But what a year it has been.  Bullshit, I will reflect at New Year’s, right now I am wondering why I didn’t get more presents because I am absolutely sure I deserved the world this past year. I guess this is where my son gets his dissatisfaction with his haul this year, not from the fact that he is so over indulged, but that he comes from my loins.

It is a lot harder to do….

Well, I fell off the face of the earth and now I am back, I was hoping I would come out of the gates like a race horse but I guess anger and spite got the best of me.  Winter is the hardest time for me anyway, so the added disappointment didn’t help.  I have to say after my last posting I was surprised how quickly everyone came to my support.  I received emails, texts and even an old friend dropped back into my life for a moment of support. 

So here I am now looking at the finish line that has approached so soon, that I was really frustrated that I couldn’t go back and do it again.  All I can say is yes ladies and gentles I made it to my goal. Of course I have to use the handicap I set for myself, but at this point I will take it as a win! So I will have to roll into 2012 with a plan to finish my goal. 

Let’s recap in this past year of ups and downs shall we?  I stared off realizing that I was shaped like a starfish, and that I not only needed to lose weight but I need to “bring my sexy back” by incorporating a Mantra, that didn’t stick very well.  I found out that “Nancy” (typically I hate people that refer to themselves in the third person, but in this situation I am totally okay with it) very much resembles a sumo wrestler in a white thong; so we have made the switch to boy shorts. We have come to the conclusion that the “balls to the wall” is not the best policy for me to follow.  Also; that my son has a touch of diarrhea mouth and has no filter.

Through this past year it has been a crazy journey and I have to say that I have made so many changes in my life that I have to look back and be proud of what I have done.  I rededicated my life to me and my family ( even though it was not hugely successful, it is the fact that I tried)  I restructured my work and gained new help.  I started a kick ass Man Hating club that meets once and month and is filled with some of the most amazing women; which more detail will be coming.  Not to mention the weight is better, and my health is better than it has even been.  I also made a promise to myself to take care for my entire debit in the next few years, and take that stress off my plate.  So here is to me….the fantastic fabulous, well dressed, charismatic, top shelf, individual I know. 

Now for setting the new goal, of course it will be to finish what I started, but I think I am going to through a twist on it.  This time it is for me, solely me.  I want to be able to look into the mirror; I want to be comfortable in my own skin again.  And if someone follows, so be it, and if he doesn’t so be that too! I will be requiring some help from you all of course.  Like a new Mantra, something to inspire me day after day.  Something I can scream from the roof top.  So I am taking suggestions, post them on my blog, send them to me, and write them on my wall. 

Here is to road we traveled in 2011, and the mountain we will climb in 2012!  

***THIS YEAR I AM DOING IT!!!

Starting over...

Well, here we are people it is November and it was August since I last posted.  I am sure you are all wondering what happened?  Did I give up?  Did I die?  Did I say to hell with it all?  Well truth be told it was a little of it all.  The last few posts were filled with self-pity as I am sure this one will seem somewhat like that too.  I thought who in their right minds wanted to spend thirty minutes of their day listening to me bitch and whine. 

So why, “Did I fall off the face of the earth?” I will tell you why and this is the hardest thing I have had to say it was because I felt I was living a lie.  I talked about what a great family I had, and how in their own way they were so supportive, when to be utter and totally honest.  BULLSHIT!  Oh yeah I had a good job, and a good looking husband, and a cool kid, but none of that seem to matter to the Nazi, there was no contentment no peace and satisfaction in life.  I couldn’t be honest and write about it because I felt it was just too personal.  So after some long self-absorbed pity and evaluation and decided “fuck it” You all have seen me in a suit which I puke and cry at every time I look at the picture, so let’s fill you in on the non-sugar coated version of my life. 

Things went downhill this year at a rapid pace when my marriage became as rocky as the Aspen, Colorado.  Sure I thought everything was coming up roses, supportive husband, good job, and new lease on life.  When a fucking lightning bolt hit me and made me see that it was all for nothing. It was all too late.  My son already had this impression of me that I will spend years trying to take out of his mind of the fat mom that smothers her son.  And my husband, though excited that I had taken an interest in healthy had no more interest in me.  So I spent the last few months fighting to stay on track but it just seem like I had no reason to stay on track. 

I thought about getting off the train and taking a bus, finding a new life, starting over.  Could I give up on me, my life and everything around me?  Was this my life failing right before my eyes?  I attempted to swim and hold my head up, but water kept on coming the hared I tried the more frustrated I became.  I could see everything I ever worked for falling apart piece by piece.    I felt myself shutting people and family out attempting to make choices of my future my families future based on raw emotion diluted with self-pity and pain. 

So now what?  The only thing I did manage to do successfully over the last few months is maintain my weight and even though my crazy goal of 60lbs is probably out of reach right now, I am hopeful that I can get a little closer.  However I have to decide to really do this for me, which is how I started this journey but got derailed.  So if I can keep the spite and angry out of my life perhaps I can get back on track. 

So people were we are; right back where we started. I hope you join me a again and perhaps this time with your help I won’t get lost.

Are you freaking kidding me!

21 weeks and I am finally at the 25lb mark.  I truly never thought I would get this far.  I have been so crazy busy with "Chicken Flats"  and hanging out with all my friends, and enjoying the summer it has been very hard to get off the freaking plateau.  But I did it, 25lbs!!  I even pushed my workout goals to the max and  ran a 10k the other day.  To think when I started this journey I was crazy heavy and could not run to save my life (unless it involved a drinking game), now I find myself encouraging other people I meet at social gatherings to join me and run.  The probably think I am drunk and my fat ass doesn't really work out, but I am totally siked.  (yes I used that old 90's word I don't care what you say people it is still cool.)

This past weekend we had family in and I even managed to drink like crazy and get up when everyone was sleeping and run...(what dedication, what spirit, I am getting to point where I have to give myself some mad props to keep me going so you all are just gonna have to deal with it!)   I just wish that would have watch what I ate, Because I get to visit my lover tomorrow and I am sure he is going to tell me that I gained another 3 lbs back.  If I did I will be so freaking mad I will spit!. 

All in all the last few weeks the Nazi has been a big part of me getting off the plateau.  Don't tell anyone but the Nazi, although sometimes too truthful has been helpful and I secretly like it.  BUT IF ANYONE TELLS HIM I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL FIND YOU AND HUNT YOU DOWN.  Cuz here is the thing, I still want him to feel like he is an ass and he should be super proud, love me, and want me even if he had to roll my fast ass over and put medicine on my my bed sores cuz I  am too big to roll over myself.  CUZ THAT IS WHAT HUSBANDS DO!  ( but I  know the truth..honestly if it was the other way around I just might have become the Nazi too)  But here is the thing, when pretty girls are with fat guys, they think "score!" for the guys and for the girl aww he must have a great personality.  When it is the other way around people just think..." ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?"  "WHY IS HE WITH THAT?" There is no compassion or consideration, hell we don't even get labeled as human.  So I am despritely trying to make up for lost time, cuz I am pretty sure many people look at me and my nazi and said.....ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!!

LOST AND FOUND

Well here we are 19 weeks in and I have successfully lost 23lbs.  Not bad right?  IT FREAKING SUCKS!!!  Although somewhere in my brain I feel like I have lost 50lbs pounds the reality is I am lost.  The Nazi has been so kind to remind me that the reason i am lost is because I haven't done anything. 

Let the record show I have just not as much as I have in the past few weeks.  "Chicken Flats" has been driving me crazy and I have a very big million dollar project that will be wrapping up in a few weeks. So life has been quite hectic.  Not to mention we had a lot going on here in the home front.  We bought a pool, nothing fancy just one of those ones from Wal-mart..to hold us over til we decided on what we want to do, but that was a fiasco in of it self.  It dawned on me that though my neighbors are nice, they really are not.  They really despise that we have built here and will use every tactic possible to make my life miserable. 

Well in case you are reading y dear neighbors...I don't care what you think!!  This is my house, and I will do as I please, if you don't like it close your fucking curtains, and look the other way.  Also if you didn't want me here you should have bought it your self!. 

Okay enough on that, so we had home issues, and life issue, and work issue..and as the Nazi so clearly says.  "You just have to make time".  I swear to GOD if I hear that statement one more freaking time I am gonna punch him right in the face.  I hate juggling, and though I think there are times that I waste where I could be productive..FB  but it is something I enjoy.  Why should I constantly sacrifice everything?  Why is it that we as women have to chose between being competitive at work and successful, to take care of our families, and being a good wife?  When do we have time to take care of ourselves?  I look at my husbands day.  Work all night, come home sleep 5 hours. up with the kid.  Sweeps, mops, laundry.  Then I come home.  I finish work, I make dinner, I clean up, I get ready for the next day and I go to sleep.  While I do those things, he gets ready for work, and goes to the gym.  I mean don't get me wrong we both have responsibilities and I think we do a good job of juggling them together, but time for myself...well that is one I struggle with.  What do I give up?  Time with family, sacrifice my performance at work, sacrifice my time with my spouse (which might not be a bad thing)...what gives?

Another week of travel..another week lost?

So I was on the road again for "Chicken Flats" and this time I decided I was not gonna let this one get by me.  I made sure that I would make time to get a work out in at least three days while I was out there. The trouble is when I go out there I end up working non stop.  With out any other distractions it is easy to dedicate 100 hours and not realize it but I promised myself not this time..no way.

Well I was not very successful, I ended up working about 89 hours, but I did manage to work out, it was the eating and sleeping that fell to the waste side. However I was totally okay that I had minimal time to eat..it was not like I was going to starve to death, nor melt away to nothing. ( I couldn't be so freaking lucky) I was kind of hoping during this trip out I would get some compliments on how much weight I had lost, but nothing...so either I look the same and have not lost as much weight as I feel, or the people I see really don't look at me?  I am gonna try to say it is the second of the two; becasue when I came home, and went to my new fav spot "Huff's Bar and Grill"  and there I got mad compliments and it is a huge ego boost.  My friend Shelly is always telling everyone how cool it is that I am running, now if I can get here to tell everyone about this blog perhaps I can pay my tab.  LOL  I am hoping my line a credit runs for a while....I could use a break.  So if you are reading this could you stock some wine...please? 

Anyway, I have not weighed in this week and I plan on returning to my Tuesday ritual and then we will know if I finally have broken the plateau.  In the mean time I have decided to mix some toning in to wake my muscles up.  I think they are getting board with the running.  So now I am on to a new goal...( don't judge i know I have not total completed any of the ones I have set  but I plan on it the additional goals will help me with all of them....this is called multi-tasking, if you don't know it learn it, cuz that is the only way to survive in this world anymore!) 

So my new goal...ABS  A- ass, B-butt, and S- Sex appeal.   

When I got home, the Nazi came up to me, and he was smoking! He is on a mission to rip up and he is doing it a lot faster then me, so I have to catch up, because I don't want to be the couple that everyone secertly wonders why is he with her?  I can't afford to be the "HER"  that would crush my progress...so ABS it is!!  I am asking all out there to join me, Shout it out  ABS!!!!

This weeks update

I have been crazy busy the last week.  I decided to run a 5k, at the Nazi's work so that had me very nervous, not to mention catching back up at "Chicken Flats".  The day that I came back from my vacation I was bombarded with enough work to make a grown man cry.   So between work, setting up day care arrangements, arguing wtih the Nazi, and training for the 5k, I did not get much else accomplished. 

I should have wrote Saturday, after the 5k, but I was so tired I spent the rest of the day on the couch and then went for drinks, which is probably why my week totals suck!  And when I say "suck" they suck.  But anyway, the 5k I did was the first I had ever ran, and I was nervous because it was at the Nazi's work.  Those people have no mercy on anyone when they get something on you they don't ever forget it.  So I wanted to do really good, so that I didn't embarrass my dear hubby.  I ran and I ran, as hard as I could and when I crossed the finish line in a full blown sprint.  People cheered and clapped.  I felt like I had just completed the Boston Marathon.  Then...I threw up.  The clapping and cheering immediately stopped.  Well so much for not embarrassing him.  I didn't place cuz there were freakishly weird healthy people there, which I know didn't work there, but I did do it is 37 minutes, which is my best time every!

So you would think with the fact that I stop eating after 8pm, and ran all week I would pay a visit to my dear friend the slot machine for hell, that he would be some what kind and tell me I have broken the curse of the "plateau".  NOPE...jumped on and what do you know..not a freaking pound lost.  At this point I can no longer afford to be depressed about it, I have to find a solution.  This will be a fourth week with no loss.  If I was on the Biggest Looser, they would have voted my ass off the ranch.  Pack your shit and get out. 

So now here I am, feeling good though because to be honest, I feel good, I feel healthy, and I am very proud of how far I have come, not in my weight loss but in my accountability and follow through.  My lifestyle has truly changed.  So even though I can't count this week as a loss in pounds, I can put myself one step to my ultimate goal, of being a better ME!

Vacation

Sorry all, I missed blogging Saturday because believe or not I was on vacation.  I had decided to spend my vacation nearly techno free.  Attempting to stay away from cell phones and computers, only because I have the tendency to work while I am on vacation cuz I know if I don't attempt to stay in the loop on e-mail I spend at least my first two days back playing catch up which I hate. 

I spent much of my vacation home working around the house and yard and spending some quality time with the Nazi.  It was a nice change of pace, however our ideas of vacation seem to differ which then caused some termoil.  See when I think vacation, I think no work, lots of play and relaxation.  He thinks projects, drinks, projects, and gym.  (which I know is his sactuary, but what he doesn't get it is not mine, not just yet)  Although working out is getting easier and becoming more of my life style, I DID NOT WANT TO DO IT ON VACATION!!!  There in lied the problem.  As you all know that when I cacualted out my goal, I took into consideration vacation and holidays knowing that there is a great possibility of a set back in weight. 

So tomorrow I weigh in and I am sure there will be a set back..because I have been sitting on this freaking plateau so I am sure without working out I had to have gained something.  Then I will have to listen to the Nazi.  But on a side note I did have some success this past month, even though I did not loose much weight, I lost another 2 1/2 inches...yes that is all over and not in one spot but i still lost it and now people are commenting on how great I look.  Which is making me feel much better. 

I did however decide I need to get rid of the full length mirror though, it is destroying my selfesteem.  I have not yet done it, but I am leaning more and more toward breaking it into tiny peices.  See while on vacation working in the yard, I got a horrible sunburn.   I was verry carefully getting dressed and I happen to look at my pale skin that had not seen sun  in years had turned this amazing fire engine red and I realized, even though I have lost weight I have gone from Sumo to John Freaking Candy.  I gazed at my fat realizing I look just like him form the stupid movie The Great Outdoors!  Can somebody please tell me when do you start looking good from lossing weight, cuz this is a lot harder to endour then  I thought?

Self pity is very unbecoming

Okay I get it....it has been a rough two weeks, and it is only getting harder.  I realized the other day as I was miserably looking into the mirror Self Pity is so very unbecoming of me.   The last two weeks not only have I only lost one pound, my body is in so much pain, and I'm pretty sure I have two new freaking wrinkles around my newly formed "crows feet"  I used to have a line and now they have officially turned into feet! 

I mean come on, I am not old, and I thought thirty was the new twenty?  Then why do I look and feel freaking  forty?  (not that forty is bad, just when you are nearly ten {okay some and rounding} years younger than that it sucks!)  So I have decided no more!  NO MORE SELF PITY!.  It must stop if I am going to be successful at my goal. 

So on that positive note, today is Tuesday, and I had to weigh in this morning.  So I walked seductively into the bathroom and I looked my lover in the eye, tapped him and said, " let's do this!"  As I jumped on the slot machine I looked down only to reveal that I had gained a freaking pound! 

"CRAP!"
"SHIT!"
"MUDDDER F&^%#@&!"

Okay ladies and gentlemen..self pity stops tomorrow, unless the tape test goes terribly bad!

The Nazi

Well it is Saturday morning and I can feel myself slipping into a self pity comma.  Which I have a tendency to do when things are not going as well as expected.  I have plateaued and it has not been pretty, then to top if off my knees and hips are feeling the pain from the running I have been doing. 

This journey has been very physical and now I think I am really fighting the mental part of weight loss.  I know I can do it, and I know I just have to push forward, but I really just want to throw in the towel and say forget it.  I think my dear hubby is seeing it too, so he is going out of his way with support, (nagging)  but he has turned into the running Nazi!.  I don't even have a chance to go to the bathroom with hearing..."Did you run today?"  "What time are your running?"  Or this is the best, "If you run now we can go to the store together."   (no offence but really two choirs that a dread..that's enticing.  ASSHAT!) I know I should look at this as the real support it is but it is just pissing me off!! 

I am working desperately on making life changes, this includes balancing life with exercise and all the other things that have to get done in a timely fashion.  I AM NOT MAKING EXCUSES, I am stating the fact, dinner should be done by 5-6 not 9 at night, and bed time for Seth should start 8:30 not two min before 9. 

See the one thing the dear Nazi doesn't realise that as the MOM you don't get the luxury of free time, Me time, or lets get skinny time.  Not in this freaking house.  If the Nazi comes home to a house that is not clean, or dishes aren't done, I get to hear about how I did nothing all day, if the laundry has been put away or I get to hear about that too..Then I get to hear "did you run?" 

Don't get me wrong people, its not like Sleeping with the Enemy or any crazy shit like that but, it does make me feel like I am not the wife he expected, I mean hell with all the support I can tell I obviously don't look like the wife he expected.  BOTTOM LINE>>I hate failing, I hate feeling like a failure..And now I am stuck in self pity mode which pisses me off even more!  But how do you survive with someone, if they think they are better then you, you are supposed to be equals...  If you are out there and you feel me pain, and have some words of wisdom please share them...

Tonight>  I am getting trashed, and tomorrow no more self pity, we are moving to anger and vengence!

FU Plateau

Well it is Tuesday again, week 13!  Had to visit my, "Slot Machine from Hell"  And yes as you can tell from my tone we are not on speaking terms.  I mean come on, I ran a total of 26 miles this week, and watched what I ate, busted my ass as work, and put my life back together from traveling and what does the " El De'ablo tell me when I jump on the scale today....you lost .5lbs .  NOT FIVE POUNDS people.  POINT FIVE pounds; a freaking half a pound. 

So as a bitch to my old man and I am sure he can tell that I am disgusted , probably from the excessive amount of profanities that echoes through the house this morning.  As I wrote on the dry erase board and threw the stupid marker which I a sure I will never find again. 

"It is still a loss."  He says is an attempt to be supportive. (when I secretly know he wants to laugh and say something funny, cuz compassion  is not his strong suit, but un-filtered truth better known as open mouth insert foot is) 

I can not believe it, A freaking plateau...already, I have to get past this, I am 6 lbs behind schedule and I can not afford to "plateau for a few weeks!"  Not to mention I am coming up on vacation week which I had planned on gaining 3 pounds from the mass consummations of alcoholic beverages.  Now I can't even do that! 

So here we are my new enemy....I will see you on the battlefield and I say to you...FU !!

New units of measurements

This week has been great, I have been back from out of state for "Chicken Flats"  and things are back to normal.  I have been running everyday with the support (nagging) of my dear husband.  But it has been going well.  I have been averaging three miles and at least two days I shoot for five miles.  It is getting easier, but I can not get my son to understand that mommy needs to have "me time" to exercise if mommy is going to be successful.  I swear to God it never fails the moment I turn that thing on, it is, "mommy...mommy...mom!"  I want to kill him, he and my hubby do the same thing when I am on the freaking phone..wtf is with that!

Anyway, I was feeling very good; so good that even though I promised myself I would not do it, I have been visiting my new lover all week, the scale.  He has not been so friendly with me.  It has been up and down all week and I am now concerned that by Tuesday I will have lost nothing?  But I wonder is this what happens all week and I just don't know it?  So I have decided I need a new unit of measurement to boost my morale.  Because I believe I have hit it...the dreaded plateau.  I really thought that you weren't supposed to plateau until you actually had lost some weight.  But I started thinking about it and this is about were I would normally cave, the 15-19 pound mark..so it is imperative people that I have some success this week!  IMPERATIVE!

The only thing that is keeping me going is that my clothes feel different, but the problems is I have such a weird airy of sizes I can't remember what fit and what was tight.  I have three sections in my closet..the it's that time wardrobe...everything is a little stretched out or made of stretchy material.  The "look at me" section, that is the stuff that is dressing and sometimes I can wear them and sometimes I just look at them.  Then there is the "I have a dream" section which are clothes I probably have not worn in 10 years, but I can not part with them, and but the time I can were them again they will be so far gone on the fashion scale I should slap myself for going out in public with them on.  But today..I found the ultimate prize, the biggest boost I have gotten from anything I have tried on.

Wait for it...wait  for it...MY BATH TOWEL.  Note: I don't not have the giant bath towels, cuz one they are expensive and two they take too long to dry.  So I have the average size towels and in the past few years, I have struggled to wrap one around me.  Well today ladies and gentlemen..I got out of the shower, wrapped the towel around me and walked to my dressing room and realized the towel was up on it's own.  Then I looked down and notices it was overlapped and I was not showing any lady parts!!  I am officially small enough to wear a large piece of terry clothe!!! 

DON' T JUDGE...I will take success where I see fit!

Multiple personalities

So here I am twelve weeks in, on a emotional journey that still has 30 weeks to go.  I had to visit my friend today, the Slot Machine From Hell.  Although he is my new secret lover, his honesty is less then to be desired.  I weighed in late last week due to traveling for "Chicken Flats", so I am guessing some of that 2 1/2 pounds last week should be this week.  But I decide to meet him anyway and of course, as I predicted his honesty is less then to be desired. 

Only 1/2 pound, talk about a punch in the gut; even with all the running I did and I practically staved myself during my "last chance work out day"  ( FYI: Biggest Looser  reference)  But I guess it is to be expected, I did just weigh in Friday so it only has been 4 days.  Not to mention this weird depression/funk I seem to be in.  One minute good, next I am freaking Eor.  I am beginning to wonder if I will break out in all the Winnie the Pooh  personalities this week and if I should check myself into the nut house.  Or at least the nearest oak tree.

What you don't see it?  Come on people, Winnie the Pooh is a total mask for a story about a girl that is trapped in a boys body.  He runs off to make believe place where all his "friends (dolls) come to life"  He dresses like a girl, and his best friend's name is Winne...COME ON!   Seriously the guy who wrote it had to suffer from multiple personalities.  Winnie- the lost innocent , Rabbit- controlling and anal retentive, Owl- wise, his conscience, Tigger- the outcast one of kind, Pigglet- the humble and scared,  and Eor- the depressed and reality struck soul.    You know you see it now, right? 

Well faithful fans, what is one to do..I am now officially behind 4 1/2 pounds, stuck in a rut, and attempting to run my way out of it.  I could use some inspiration now if you got it.  Don't get me wrong, I am proud that I  made it this far, but I still have 30 weeks to go and now I have to make every one of them count!  So e-mail, text, post, call with your hidden tips or advice or words of wisdom.

Moving forward

Well, I know many of you are wondering, WHAT HAPPENED?  WHERE DID YOU GO?  Well no fear my faithful followers, it was not me.  Blogger was undergoing some changes and I was blocked out till they updated.  I was hoping when I came back that I would see that someone answered my questions from my last blog.  But that is okay, I know I have a very limited crowed right now...HINT HINT PEOPLE>>>I need you to do some grass roots campaigning for me if I am ever to become famous. 

Anyway let me give you an update on the last two weeks, cuz man have they been full.  Lets start with work, because that is simple.  I had to make another run out of state for "Chicken Flats".  But this time it was not as bad, because it was not to open a new one but to do some up keep on the others.  Which sometimes is quite overwhelming.  See they are getting lots of visitors from all over, and they have to look their best..( plus if they do then I look pretty good myself)  but I a totally not doing it for any type of self reward..or prize.  ( those of you who work with me..just know that I am totally asking you to start nominating my ass for a freaking prize; but I am attempting to do it as humbly as I can.)  Anyway, it was a long week but it went well and my hard work paid off I got to come home a few hours earlier then expected.  It is weird how when you travel so much a few hours can fee like forever.

Now what was going on at home, the usually stuff, hubby working on the house ball games, homework and life.  It was a rough week for hubby and wife. Like I said in my first few blogs, juggling and balancing is not my greatest talents, and it is over whelming trying to be the best at everything. Hell even trying to be just good at everything is exhausting.  But I think the worst is when you think you are; but you really aren't.  So I have decided that I need to get better at juggling and I need to do it fast.  Not that everything is falling apart or anything but that I am concerned that the structure is got a few cracks.  So hubby and I are working together to make sure both of us become great jugglers. 

On that note pretty much summed up my week ..except I was away for my weigh in, and let me just tell you people next time I travel I am taking my own scale. Cuz the one at hotel is possessed by De'ablo himself I tell you.  As if work, life, bills hadn't worn me down enough the GOD forsaken thing told me 7 times that I had gained 15 motha F*&%ing pounds.  ( Go to hell Satin possessed Slot Machine!)  So I ended up run every chance I got, cuz I thought OMG could I have really gained weight.  I have been on a solid track of loosing weight, could this be my fall back week, my breaking moment? 

So as soon as I got home I jumped on my slot machine from hell, and I looked down and I said..."Hello LOVER  I have missed your sweet positive renforcement."  For it said back to me is the most seductive tone a digital number could...YOU LOST WIEGHT  MY PRECIOUS.  I jumped off and kissed it good night.  (stop judging people you know you would kiss it too) 

So with my reborn excitement I went to my Fat Lazy Ass Needs To Get Off  The Couch (FLANTGOTC)  Meeting...okay i admit the acronym could use some work.  I will take suggestions if you got them.  So I jumped on the tread mill and I ran, and I ran.  And for the first time every I got it...the runners high..and let me tell you it was fantastic..my mind was clear, my heart was steady, everything was moving is one fluid motion.  I know I set a goal of running 5 miles and was hopeful to hit it this year..well people are you ready for this....I DID IT! FIVE FREAKING miles, and I am sure I could have gone more.  Now the down fall is I don't think I can do it today.  I am so sore, every muscle in my body hurts..I hurt is places where I am sure I have not had muscle since I was a kid.  BUT I can always say I did it!!! 

POSITIVE QUOTE FOR THIS WEEK:  "You can do it Water Boy!!" 

Betrayal

So this week, was truly a rough week, I was feeling really good about my success and my new found commitment about staying on the wagon.  However I was betrayed by my own laziness and only manage to run twice this week.  It is amazing how one thing over comes another. Betrayal can be a tricky thing.

I am mean in the instant gratification of that slice of cake, or pie or extra few dollaries, really doesn't out weigh the big picture, but you find your self enjoying more because of the taboo of it.  Then the guilt sets in, the realization that everything you worked so hard for even if it is just the few pounds or that "Ahhaw" moment of success is now gone. 

So here is the bigger question... How do you take the power away from "betrayal"  or recover from it.  So I am asking all you out there...What do you do to take the power away from your vice?  How do you stay on your wagon?

On the wagon

So as you see from my last post I have not been that successful this past week.  I was really worried about my weigh in, because I was sure I had jinxed myself.  The other day; my loving and supportive husband was riding my ass about not exercising and I made the mistake of saying, "You know I am doing a lot better than you think at least I have not gained anything back!"  Well this week with all the misery I was in due to spring, and really I think I was using every excuse in the book cuz I really was tired.  I was sure that I would get on the slot machine form hell and it would taunt me by laughing as it said I had gained weight. 

Stupid karma. 

So in a last chance effort this morning I ran as hard as I could for as long as I could and then weighed in.  (it was a very Biggest Looser moment)  But anyway, I jumped on and to my surprise I had lost a pound and half.  Not record setting but as least karma stayed away one more week.  But it has  made me think, I have to get back on the wagon, get back on track.  I can't loose sight of my goals.  Then I thought perhaps if I look at my weight as my addiction.  Stay with me people, I see people on the news and all over that piss their lives away over an addiction and I wonder, why?  Why can't they just make the choice to do the right thing for themselves their family and society.  Perhaps, weight/food/ and laziness is my vice.  Maybe if I looked at my weight as a dyer situation I would choose to work harder.  Not saying in need to go to Over Eaters Anonymous or anything, but perhaps my Ass is Tired of Working So I'm Gonna Sit Here on the Freaking Couch meetings. 

You know when I started this journey, it was about finding myself.  Not to mention that my skinny doc said it was either loose the weight or lap band surgery.  That really put a spark up my ass but then the flame burnt out.  Cuz I hate to say it because it sounds so cliche, it really is a lifestyle change you have to make.  So here is ...

Step One all over again:  My name is Nancy and I am fat and I like to be lazy.

Freaking spring.

So I have not been very sucessful this week with my exercise rotiune.  Although I started the week off well, it has ended a little crappy.  I love spring, I used to suffer some seasonal depression after moving to this state.  The winter is so long and I swear it starts earlier and ends later every year.  Global warming is a freaking joke!  But the problem here is that everything turns brown early and stays that way for ever! So when spring comes I love it, green grass, blooming flowers, and all the wonderful smells.  Then something weird happend...out of the blue I strarted getting allergies, and each year they get worse.  My favoriate season has now become my nemisis.  I can't leave the windows open at night ans enjoy the cool air, cuz by morning my freaking eyes are so swollen that they hurt to open.  All day long I pop allergy meds, and antihistime drops in my eyes and I still want to rip them out of my head and rinse them in cool water and put them back in! 

I HATE SPRING.

Then this weekend we had a very nice day so I spent the whole day working in the yard planting grass at my new house.  Then I had to sprinkle straw all over to make sure the see did not wash away.  As a sprinkled and walked the yard, my face began to swell.  My eyes watered.  I kept going cuz we had to get it done.  I itched all over, i began popping alevert like it was candy.  I must have eaten 10 before I realized that my face felt like the kid from the movie "Mask"  with Cher.  I spent the rest of the night inside with ice cold towels  on my face and spent Sunday so miserable I think people on death row probably had a better personality.

I HATE SPRING.  50 MORE DAYS TILL SUMMER!!!

It is about time.

Nine weeks in and I have to say I feel pretty good about my track record.  Although I wanted to be a little further along in my loss, I believe this journey has given me a new lease on life.  In the past I have managed to stick to a program a few weeks, or even a month.  So the fact that I passed the two month mark is really exciting for me.  I have to say my new goal of running five miles is a lot harder of a challenge than I thought it would be.  Not just because of the physical part, but time and dedication has been a big struggle.  Like this morning; I totally got up an hour half early so that I could run, but I laid in bed thinking of how hard it was and how it would make me late for work.  When I should have just got my fat ass out of bed and did it.  So now I will be stuck balancing out Mommy duties and then trying to find time to dedicate to myself.  Which pretty much means my night is shot and I will have to try again tomorrow. 

But I did get up and give myself enough time to weigh-in and complete my tape test.  Which I know you are all on the ends of your chairs just waiting to see how I did.  But before I get into that let me just say this week has been crazy and thrilling at the same time.  Although I have not been forced to buy new clothes, I have noticed that buttons are no longer screaming for help, that pockets are not protruding out the side of my clothes, and you can no longer read the dates on my coins in pockets. 

I was also very excited to hear from some of my friends that have been reading this telling me how I have inspired them.  One is journaling her weight loss on FB.  Another started her own work out routine.  Even my boss is thinking of doing something.  Heck just to know that people are thinking because I took the time to jot down some funny thoughts I had about myself, makes me want to work out harder. (except for this morning) 

Just the other day, my husband wanted to go out for dinner cuz he won these gift certificates, to a really good restaurant.  Which I totally love, cuz everything there is served super sized, and loaded with REAL BUTTER and SALT.  They don't even have a salad that isn't loaded with 1000 "dollaries".  Anyway I found myself choosing not to eat there because I did not want to jeopardize my success for one meal.  This is coming from the person who on Nutrisystem would have murdered people for a chance to eat real cheese or a steak.    So I have to say THANK YOU!   Thank you to all of you for listening to me and taking this journey with me. 

So are you ready....At 9 weeks in with the addition of my loss this week I have lost a total of 15lbs.  I also have lost in the last month alone a total of SIX AND QUARTER INCHES.   (Totalling seven.... no judgement please)  6 1/4 inches in one month!!!  Freaking fantastic I tell you, I an not ready to walk the Run Way, but I am sure feeling good about myself these days and can't wait to see more results.

This weeks  goal:  work in some abs..I would like to see them some time soon.

Sumo

Well, I am desperately trying to get caught back up. Because before you know it Tuesday will be here and I will have to weigh-in and complete the once dreaded tape test again.  Which I am thinking might be a good week.

This past week was rather depressing, stuck in the house with sicko, and not loosing weight put me in a crap of a mood.  So crappy that I spent much of my free time watching Lifetime.  Yes a admit it. I secretly love Lifetime...although if anyone from Lifetime reads this, could you please put some movies on that empower women who didn't go through a personal tragedy, like being raped or abused by a spouse.  Seriously, come on there are plenty of talented, smart women that make it that don't have to be bitch slapped a few times to realize it. 

Back to my story, I watched some movie on there about this divorce' who's husband left her for some young hot thing.  The main character was played by the lady who played Sara Connor on the terminator  (I really suck at names). Anyway she meets this woman who teaches women how to be sexy.  She is French, so she talked with a lot of z's. She says in the movie, "Zexy comez from ze inzide. You must dress zexy underneath to feel confident.  Zis is way french women steal youz American's men."   

So it got me to thinking, yes I dress nice but lets be honest this body has not seen lingerie in a while.  So I decided to go out an by some zexy underwear, and boost my weight lose with new zex appeal.  Well let me go back just a little, in my former house I did not have a full length mirror. Because really who needs one when all you have to do is look down.  But in my new house a have my very own dressing room which I have placed a full length mirror in.  LET ME JUST SAY EVERYONE NEEDS A FULL LENGTH MIRROR!  Also it is very much like being in the 360 mirror room on what not to wear.  So back to my story... I purchased some nice items, in my correct size and proceeded to wear them with a great sense of pride.  Well the French lady was right, you do feel better about yourself when you indulge in a little sexy pleasure.

So the other day I was getting ready to go out when I changed in my changing room and I happen to look behind me at my full length mirror, and I thought...HOLY CRAP WHAT THE HELL!!!  The French lady was not so right, cuz at this size my ass in a thong looks like a Sumo wrestler!  Not to mention my Asian skin tone does not help.  I kept staring as if it was a train wreck that I could not look away.  As I spun around and looked at myself, I realized all I was missing was a hand towel hanging on the front of me and a pony tail on the top of my head.  This was not "Zexy"

NEW RULE :  If you weigh more than 130lbs..Stick to boy shorts!

Balance

So today is Thursday and I usually post on Tuesdays after my date with the slot machine from hell, but this week has been crazy.  It started off fine, until my son got sick and I could no longer dedicate any time to myself, my motherly duties came first.  Which sucked!  Don't get me wrong, being a mom is probably the best thing in the world, and it is the one thing I would not trade for anything until this week. 

It started with my eval at "Chicken Flats".  I love my job, not to mention am crazy good at it, and I was a nervous wreck about the whole thing.  Because in today's economy you can't take for granted that your job is there, you have to prove it over and over.  Unless you are a Demi and are in a union and managed to get your tenure, but that is whole other bitch.  Back to what I was saying, the company changed their year evals a few year ago and have been changing them every year since, for retention purposes. (so they say)  personally I think they just want to find a way to slide in comments and remarks that seem positive at the time but can be taken out of context in the future to fire your ass. So really you are interview for you job and proving why you deserve to continue to receive a paycheck. 

So I decided NOT ME..I am indispensable, and I was gonna prove it.  But with that came long hours, and asking my family to sacrifice more.  Which they have so willingly done for me to be a success.  Well right before my "inter-eval"  I get a call that my son is ill..Now comes the problem, balancing job and motherhood.  I quickly use my superpowers and arrange for transportation, get my husband off work, and enter the "inter-eval" calm as a cucumber. 

When I arrive home, I am greeted by a son that is puking all over everything, and is reminding me ..."Why weren't you here?"  Once again..balance.  So I quickly transformed into supermom, making homemade noodle soup, rice paste, googling the Internet for recipes, and make home made peppermint tea to calm him down.  I proceed to spend the next three days, by his side, only sliding in work when he was not looking or sleeping, considering I had deadlines that I had just promised to meet in my freaking "inter-eval". 

BALANCE. (breathe)

On the fourth day I had realized that I totally forgot to run, eat, sleep, and visit my dear friend the slot machine from hell.  So I made it point to do so, when I could have screamed!!!  NO sleep, Covered in vomit, and shit, Don't recall eating, and I lost a measly pound..one freaking pound..

BALANCE  ( breathe..breathe) 

So there you have it, I am at my 8 week mark, and I am 4 pounds shy of my goal.  Not sure how it happened, but I am pretty sure Balance had a lot to do with it!!

I was optimistic, then reality....

Well, I have been working like crazy on my new goal, of attempting to five miles a day.  I have stepped back down to two miles a day and am hoping to push another half mile each week.  Although today I attempted to push another half mile and I thought my legs were going to fall off.  So maybe every two weeks, I am pretty sure that will still work out mathematically by new years? 

So far in seve days have ran sixteen miles.  Not bad, I am rather impressed that I have accomplished that much considering my previous running experiences consisted of running to the front of the lunch line, running to the fridge to get beer before the time out was over, or getting snack quickly enough to bet the commercial break during Grey's Anatomy. 

Needless to say I was feeling very optimistic this morning when I was running; until....my Son.  It is amazing how kids see things so simple, not because they are kids, but because my son is a smart ass just like me.  I have been running in my basement, and it is very cool down there and most importantly secluded.  I was running at a great pace and feeling good with myself when my child comes down to enjoy some company.  Now mind you I am running in appropriate attire, if I was smoking hot, but I figure..it is just me what the Hell.  So I today am running in my gray yoga pants that fit so nicely, meaning that they really don't push any bulges around to make me look bumpy, and a light pink sports bra.  The cutest pair of gray and pink rocket running shoes.  My hair is neatly pulled back with a pink ribbon and even though I am not a size 7 I am still quite beautiful. 

Well my son flips on the TV and talks about something, I really wasn't listening. When he said, "Mom..I asked you a question."  I very politely replied, " WHAT, I am running here."   yes is was way nicer then that, but come on people..moms never get to stop being moms and it does totally get annoying sometimes!!

" I said, how much weight have you lost?"  he shouted.
"11 pounds"  I replied in between breathes. 
" How much are you trying to loose?"  he asked with a puzzled look on his face.
" 61 pounds, why?"

He sat very quiet and looked me up and down.  I could tell he was think how to say what every it was and not get into trouble.  It is the same look my husband gives me, when he wants to buy something and he knows I am going to say no, so he must word it just right. 

"Well, that is a lot, you better keep running cuz 11poounds doesn't look any different on you"  then he went back to playing.

I stared at him thinking.."shit head" So now I am terribly nervous about Tuesday's weigh in..how am I gonna stay positive?  When my freaking seven year old just punched me in the gut...

Any ideas out there?

Props Where Props Are Due

So even though my new slot machine from Hell is my favorite it is still a pain in my ass.  Cuz even with the extra exercise and my new found excitement for running, I only lost a 1/2 pound this week.  Although I have to say I am thinking the large amount of alcohol consumed due to the possibility of the government shutting down, and  combination of seeing red on my taxes had a little bit to do with the lack of loss.  See I was so worried that I could not think of anything else but gloom.  Then on Sunday when the coast was clear, I consumed a wonderful bottle of Pinto Grigo, my absolute fave in case anyone wanted to send a present.  But needless to say, it lead to me being dehydrated and forced me to consume gallon after gallon of water.    So I am very hopeful that next week's weigh-in will be more respectful.  I just had a vision of Gillian from the Biggest Looser rolling her eyes, and everyone looking at me in the elimination room...(I think I need to stop watching that show)

But anyway the whole entire reason I decided to write this weeks blog was to give some props out to those around me that have e-mail, called, and text me their stories.  I found them so inspiring, and I have to give a shout out to a good friend of mine Nancy.  No people I am not that vain, not me, I really have a friend with the same name.  Anyway, Nancy and I have been fighting this battle of the bulge forever, and her husband Scott suffers from the same simplistic mind as my husband.  Once again people I am not making this shit up! And if you didn't catch that my hubby's name...Scott.  Stay focused...she dropped me a line the other day and informed me she has lost an OUTSTANDING 23lbs.  She did not sound as excited as I did, so I decided to post her success today instead of mine.   23lbs...that is a measly 2lbs away from a 1/4 of hundred...that is amazing!!  I am so proud of her, and secretly jealous  I could SPIT!  So Nancy here is to you and your amazing 1/4 of hundred pounds!!  I will see you at New Year's  when we both are at our goal!!!

Balls To the Wall

So here I was totally excited that I have reached 10lbs and realizing I can do it, when our company had a meeting that had a motivational speaker that was by all mean passionate of what he had accomplished in his life.  A gold medal in the Olympics. But what I found fascinating is that someone would train so hard to reach a very limited goal.  How do you have that kind of dedication, passion to want something so bad.

When I discussed this with my very candid husband, he simply explained it, "you just do it"  this coming from the man that clearly suffers from OCD and when he sets his mind it is done.  So I started thinking is it really that simply, just set your mind?  Is it really mind over matter.  I then decided with the ever so slight encouragement from my husband that I should start running. So I have set a goal for myself to be able to run 5 miles a day by the end of the year.

So with all that excitement I decided today would be that day I try, how long would it take me to run five miles?  If I just set my mind to it.  It could only take about 2 hours tops, even if I walked it right?  Then I could just work hard and improve my time.  So when I explained my plan to my dear spouse.  He said " You fucking crazy, you have to build up to it."  He told me that I should start at two miles, and move up a half mile each week.  Side note: I really think that he should be a personal trainer, cuz I think that there are  hundreds of girls that would love to him stand by them and slap them on the ass like a football player and tell them to push it!  (But don't tell him I said that cuz he already suffers from over-confidence and I don't think I have enough butter to rub on his big head to get it through the door any more.)  But me, I totally don't listen to him.

So jump on the treadmill, I set my favorite tunes up, got my water, begin to walk, then jog, and then run at a nice pace.  I felt very comfortable on the treadmill, like I had been running my whole life.  I decide I would run to the five mile mark even if I fell over dead, which could be possible considering the years of smoking and drinking that have aged my body.  So, I ran and I ran.  I began to feel leg pains and cramps, but I kept running, I took a few sips of water, and kept moving.  I thought I did this in the Army, just keep going "mind over matter".  Then it believe I found the truth, the light, an epiphany;  you can have mind over matter just not over body. Because right when I had finished mile three, dying of thirst I took a quick sip and then it happened, I threw up in my cup and then again and again.  Turns out my body really didn't believe my mind.

So once again my old man was right, and my new mantra for training.."slow and steady boys slow and steady!"

Interpurtation

So here we are again and I begin my weigh in ritual.  First off let me say a bought my third "slot machine from Hell" this week and it will be my first time stepping on it.  I made my old man use it a few times first.  Why you ask?  Because it is super slim and made of glass and I keep having this recurring horrible nightmare of me stepping on it and it shattering into a million pieces right into my feet!  Which then causes me to be on bed rest and I balloon up like the mom in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape"  Then I die and my son has to suffer the embarrassment of my dead fat carcus being pulled from the house with a crane.  (I really am starting to think therapy might be a good option.)

Anyway I start my ritual which consists of a hot shower, which I am sure has proved to have steamed off at least a 1/2 pound prior to my weigh-ins.  So I am in my bathroom and the door is slightly cracked, and I proceed to get undressed for my shower.  When I look through the door and see that my dog is staring at me.  He quickly lifts his paws and covers his eyes.  (I am not making this shit up people)  So I jump in the shower and as I am standing there letting the pounds melt; I begin to wonder; did he cover his eyes because he felt embarrassed to see me.  Like...OOOPS.  Or did he cover his eyes because they were thriving in pain form the sight of my naked body.  (Once again  I am thinking I need a therapist).

So I dry off after I feel that the skin had melted off my body from the scourcthing water and proceed with my weigh-in.  Back on the "slot machine" praying it does not break.  PLEASE I HOPE THIS IS TEMPERED GLASS!!  Well what do you know this slot machine is my freaking favorite of them all!!!  I lost 3.5 pounds this week.  That is a grand total of  10.5 in 6 weeks!!  Okay a little off my goal but still within reach, and with that people I now realize I can do it.  61lbs this year here I come!!!

Tape results are in

So I know a I am few days behind, and the amazing thing is that I didn't think people were listening or reading.  But as soon as I fell behind, I got bombed with e-mails.  So I apologize.  Some how this week I got a life.  Unfortunately I think this past week I would have traded it with a homeless person.

Anyway, so I am back on track.  I did weigh in on my regularly scheduled Tuesday and I even bought a new slot machine from hell.  However right after the weighed in I took the fucking thing right back to the store.  Not because it lied, (which I am sure it did)  but I bought one without a battery, the dial kind.  Well the freaking dashes are so small I can not tell if i lost any weight. And to be honest I need to know down to the freaking ounces..otherwise I will fall right back to my pathetic ways.  If I lean forward it moves, and if I crouch down apparently I am five pounds heavier.  Must be something to do with compression of fat weighs more them long stretched out fat.  (if you believe that,  I have some ocean front property to sell you in Kansas)

I took the freaking thing back cuz it said in two weeks I had not lost a pound.  Side note: People how do you work not stop, barely eat, barely sleep and not loose weight.  Then I moved on to the tape test.  Which I have been dreading, cuz without exercise I really, highly doubt to see a difference.  I am hopeful but I am not stupid.  So I drag out the clothe tape, start at the bottom and work my way up.  Recording every step along the way.  Then I flip the page to the previous month.  I couldn't believe it I had lost a total of an inch and half.  (shut up shut up!!) I know it is not a lot and divided into three places really not alot.  But it is something and I am freaking taking it. 

So my goal next week after I catch my breath>  back to my exercise routine and a dye job, my roots look bad!

Getting caught up

Well it has been a few weeks since my last post and I am dreading my next one.  I just returned from out of state for Chicken Flats  I worked a total of 93 hours in one week.  Let me just vent for a moment, bare with me. 

There are 168 hours in a full week.  If 93 of those I was working; that would leave 75 hours in the week for eating, and sleeping.  I would say I spent about 4 hours a day at the hotel doing my laundry, cooking or just watching a little tv. Or visiting venting to other chicken flat people about how freaking tired I was.  So now my 75 hours left in week are now down to 47.

On Saturday night I did go to bed early and slept in for a full 9 hours of straight sleep. So stay with me people that means the remain 38 hours of the week were dedicated to sleep and was divided into 6 days averaging 6.3 hours a sleep a night.  Not crazy bad right?  Here is that kicker.  Take those 6 hours a night and throw in 10 red eye flights a night at the freaking international airport located right next door!!!  Who the fuck flys at 3:30 am...what the hell is so important that you must leave town at that hour.  Jesus Christ even murders, who are trying to escape, don't sneak out at 3:30 in the freaking morning!  Air lines should go green.  Save the freaking jet fuel.  You can not tell me that all ten flights a freaking night are full.  There is no possible freaking way!  RED EYES SHOULD BE OUTLAWED.

Then I come home and the rat race begins.  Then to top it off tomorrow is weigh in and tape day.  And my freaking scale finaly bit the dust.  So I have to get a new one.  But here is the crap thing, what if it has been wrong the entire time.  What if I haven't lost a pound?  Crap!!!

Okay lets think possitivly maybe I am really 40lbs lighter than what I thought?  Then I would only have 20lbs to my goal.  YEAH!  (like that will happen).

SHUT UP!

So like I said earlier this week, things were not going well with the flood and all.  But I kept moving forward.  I successfully managed 10 seven-year old children pumped full of sugar and excitement through a party and a movie.  Sounds easier said then done.  You feed 10 kids soda, cake, and prizes and ask them to sit quietly.  It wasn't my smartest choice but it didn't totally blow up in my face.  Amazingly enough it was the cheapest party I ever through. 

You know I don't ever recall my parents spending money on any of my birthday for a parties.  I am pretty sure that it was frowned upon and thought of as a frivolous expense.  I used to think my parents where just cheap, and perhaps not that thoughtful, however I am starting to see that perhaps they were right.  Birthdays should be with family, involve little money, and perhaps one small gift.  To think I still have 11 more of these to throw! 

Anyway, I was smart about the cake, I ordered cupcakes, first off because it is so much easier and second of all portion control.  Then I went one step further, I ate carrots before we left so I was full and didn't even think of cake.  Although 16 trips walking kids to the bathroom did help with the hoovering around the food problem I seem to have.

I spent much of Sunday loafing and self-medicating my losses from the flood.  Then the rat race for Chicken Flat's started on Monday and hasn't stopped.  However I did make time to do my weekly weigh in.  I was totally prepared for utter and complete failure.  This week was so crazy, I promised myself if I had gained any weight back, that I would shake it off and move forward.  Well Ladies and Gents...I jumped on my slot machine form hell and screamed, "SHUT UP!!!"  Two and half pounds had disappeared in my week from hell.  Just to be on safe side I proceeded to get on the scale five more times..I did the same thing when I found out I was a prego..5 tests and $70.00 later I figured they were right.

>>Perhaps I han an OCD issue I am unaware of?  One problem at a time I guess.

WTF!

So I started this week with a glimmer of hope, not because I did so well last week but because my super duper hubby put a note on my success board to "stay positive"  Although he pretends not to care, I know he does..plus it is a bonus to him if I reach my goal.  He will no longer be the trophy wife. 

Anyway started the week, but then reality set in, I try not to let work affect my home life, nor do I try to write about it but lets just say where I work...lets call it "Chicken Flat"  for poetic licnensing sakes.  Any way Chicken Flats takes up a lot of time, and lately they have been under massive changes and somehow I have become a big part of some of those changes.  Even though I am so far down on the freaking pole, it is up to me to put all the pieces together and the stress this week is driving me insane.  I wish I was one of those people who get stressed out and loose weight but I am totally the freaking opposite.  So my guess come this Tuesday...all my sweet success will end up right down the freaking drain.  But I still was trying to remain positive and had the weekend to look forward to.  Cuz this weekend was my son's birthday, and like the cool mom I am, I made sure to have the best invites, the coolest party, the neatest cake, and prizes.  Then I even managed to plan a cool party for his class while am I am away for work, opening more freaking Chicken Flats. ( If you know where I work, I am sure you are lying on the floor laughing and are totally cracking up on my word play...LOL)

But even through all that..still positive.  Until it started to rain, and rain, and rain.  Then the worst this that could possibly happen happened!!  I lost my Internet connection..so as I furiously drag my ass down a flight of stairs ready to scream about not being able to log on FB.  I realize, i lost my connection because the basement, of my brand smacking newly built house is flooding!!  OMG...OMG.... what to do.  I frantically ran around like a nut thinking that is i ran so fast that the wind and hot air coming from my mouth as I screamed would some how dry all the water that was pouring into my beautiful home. 

So needless to say after 16 hours of bailing water, and mopping and drying and crying I realized that GOD hated me and my true friend must be the devil; because he is the only one that could see the light in any of this. So no work out, not dieting this weekend..I will be self medicating my losses and trying to figure out how to take water to hell with me to repay the favor!

Week 2 is over!

So today is my accountability day.  The day I dread of the entire week.  I know that the moment I step on my slot machine from hell that nothing else matters, no excuses, no reasoning, no justification just simple, basic math.  Either subtraction or the dreaded addition. 

First off let me just say it concerns me that after the first week in and I felt like giving up, then I saw the light but the very next day...nothing, I used none of the energy positively.  I always said I failed at dieting and losing weight because I became discouraged to easily.  When the truth of the matter is, I am pretty sure I just don't push myself hard enough.  My dear husband; who can loose wight by thinking about it, told me every night go do something..but once again I found excuse after excuse.

So now here I am going to stand on this stupid machine and see the truth.  He was right and I was wrong, of course if he asks I can always blame it on water weight or something. 

So I jump on and ...crap...crap...SHIT...DAMN!.  He was right and I was wrong.

SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!! 

I did loose a pound, but now I have to listen to him for the next week.  I could always say it is a proven fact that for some reason week two is the hardest to loose weight.  Gillian on Biggest Looser said so herself, many contestants fall off the wagon after week two because they don't realize that their body has adjusted to the shock and needs to be shocked again.  ( I really thought that was a bunch of crap, but I guess you can't look like her and not know things like that.)

So I begin Week 3:  Mantra this week..shock the soul!

Same old

This week has moved by so slowly and has been a total bore it is quite depressing.  I spent the work, over stressed about work, attempting to make progress in the house with unpacking boxes.  But I have managed to do absolutely nothing.  The sad worst thing is I haven't bothered to keep up with any work outs.  Well strike that, I have done my crunches, because lately laying around seems to be my thing this week.  But I really need to do some cardio. 

I thought for sure I would be able to motivate myself with the small success that I had last week, but the weather this week has gotten me down, and I can not find the energy to get back up.  Even with my skipper meds.  I know come weigh day I am gonna have gained my success back and it is gonna totally piss me off. 

Maybe I need to find a hypnotist..someone that can put a positive spin on things...I keep trying to remember somethings one of my friends sent me to keep me going...but the only thing it has done is keep my head out the fridge..so I guess it is a start.  "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"  Thanks David for the reenforcements..I will keep pressing on!!

How do you like me now!!

Yesterday was the dreaded day of the week.  Weigh in day.  I was not feeling very optimistic considering I tried the first week and saw nothing.  So I did it, I jumped on my slot machine from hell and could not believe it. Three and half pounds.  Yeahhhh, I was only a half a pound behind now.  I knew if I could just focus and put some direction in to what I was doing.  I would be successful.  I spent the rest of the day ecstatic.  Thinking now don't blow it and celebrate with something like ice cream.  All day long I was on cloud nine three pounds!! If I keep it up I could possible hit my goal with out my handicap!

I plastered my success all over my fridge as a reminder, then...it happened.  That creep monster that lives in my head telling me.." three pounds, big deal"  I started thinking was it just the scale again.  Or was it just water, what happens tomorrow if the three pounds is back like some freaking clip out of the movie Ground Hog Day.  Will I ever escape the yo-yo? 

So I cleared my head and decided to watch a little mindless TV.  Of course what was on, Biggest Looser, which I used to find inspiring, but now I find terrible depressing that these people drop 10-15 pounds a week.  (I know they are working out and have trainers)  But still i would kill for 15 pounds in a week. 

So I changed the channel, next up Ffifteen and Heavy...great another show about obesity.  Change the channel again..special on the Carpenter's (eating disorder).  Change the channel again, Intervention...another eating disorder special.  Continue surfing, maybe a movie, What's eating Gilbert Grape?   Really! Come on, I think GOD secretly looks down and laughs at me. 

One last surf....American Dad.  Great now some mindless TV then I can go back to feeling good about my small but certain success.  YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME...it is the episode when the son make friends with the freakishly large 500lb neighbor with an eating disorder!!!

"Click"- no TV for me..perhaps it was a sign.  To my room for crunches!

How Did I Become Patrick?

Well tomorrow is weigh in day, but I still hadn't faced my second truth; the tape measure.  No even though I spent years in denial and haven't taped my body since I got pregnant.  I was sure that I had some shape.  Large shape but some.  I would describe myself some what of a pear, not really and apple but I did notice that my middle had expanded some over the years.  Although with my sparkling personality and wit, who cared.  Clothes came in all shapes and sizes, and due to my height I was always used to tailoring items. 

So this morning, fresh out of the shower I did it.  I decided to be truly accountable, I had to face the truth.  Plus this way if I got on the scale again and it hadn't moved, I could at least fall back on a 1/4 of inch or some highlight of success.

Although  the scale was quite depressing and an eye opening experiance.  The tape has totally destroyed my day. I can positively say I am no pear or apple.  I am a freaking STARFISH,  all my appendages are the same freaking size...No wonder none of my shirts fit.  I have legs attached to my f'ing shoulders.  Not to mention my middle is the same size from the my neck to my ass.  What the hell, how did this happen?  Was I in a comma for the last few years.  How did I proudly walk the mall in my new shoes thinking people where checking out how good I looked.  When they were really thinking.." Marco, Polo...FISH OUT OF WATER!!!"  No joking aside my circumference is less then five inches from my height.  I am as wide as I am tall.  HOLY CRAP!!! 

NEW GOAL PEOPLE>>> I can not look like a starfish. 

Liar Liar...

Well it is Day One again... I did get up on time and manage to eat a light breakfast and tended to the house and will be starting my basic workout soon.  I even took my "skipper meds"  and I have to say I do feel slightly energized. 

Although today is not my weigh in day, I was feeling pretty positive considering all the awesome stories everyone posted on my Facebook page about their success.  It was quite inspiring, so I decided to get brave and visit my old friend the scale again.  I figure I have to get comfortable wtih seeing that number and should not be scared to face the truth. 

So again me and my arch enemy faced off, as I placed one foot on, then the other.  Hold my breath (as if that makes a difference)  and I watch as the number quickly roll up.  Like a slot machine from HELL.  I can't believe it.  I lost 2 1/2 pounds...Shut the front door! 2 1/2 pounds!!  I got back on the scale and this time with a sense of joy and excitement, I quickly gained the 2 1/2 pounds back.  "STUPID SLOT MACHINE FROM HELL!"

Today's assignment..crunches, push ups, and buying a new freaking scale!! 
(note to self..only weigh in on weigh in date!!)

What ever skipper!

Well, I am behind 2lbs already, and I can feel my failure starting.  So I have decided i need to find a work out routine.  I figure I should start small and work things in to my everyday so that I don't discourage myself.  Step one waking up 20 minutes earlier and doing some basic exercises.  Some push ups, crunches, and a little cardio jumping jacks.

Day One:  6 am...snooze....6:10 am...snooze....6:20 am....snooze...6:30 am....."Stupid freaking clock!  Starting day one tomorrow"

Day Two (redo of Day One):  6am....snooze...6:10am ....  "I'm up"  Turned alarm off.  Beep! Beep!  "Shit 7:30am....Crap now I am freaking late...tomorrow starting day one...I promise"

Day Three ( redo of redo Day One):  6am..."who the hell am I kidding!!!!"  need to find a better time..this is not working!"

Tomorrow is day four and a Saturday...so no excuses, but I did realize that perhaps my lack of motivation is clearly a true problem.  Maybe I need some kind of supplement to help with the energy.  I then decide to visit our local GNC and take a quick peek and see this there is something there that can help. 

May I just say; Is it a hiring requirement that you must be blond and a size 4 to work there.  Anyway as I enter the store and glance a around, a wonderful beautiful size four blond comes over to help.  I try not to judge...but come one people.  Food is not completely bad for you!! 

"May I help you?"  she asks in her utterly chipper voice that reminds me vaguely of a chatty Kathy doll.
"Yes I am looking for something that will give me some energy and perhaps help me shed a few pounds, but I don't want a shake, or a bar."  ( shed a few pounds...as if she believes that, lord knows I don't)

"You should try this stuff, it is a thermogenic and one of our best sellers"  She talks like a recording, I begin to wonder if that statement is true or perhaps beaten into them during their on the job training?

I begin to read the back and I think what's the harm, I am 2lbs behind schedule, going on 4...tired all the time, what do I have to loose but 40 bucks...which I can sadly drink or eat in one meal.  I walk to the check out and take my wallet out when Princess Skipper scans the bottle and says, " With diet and exercise this should work great"  Once again I wonder do they beat that into them...maybe the starve them into submission so that say that stuff, and when I leave Skipper can go have a doughnut in the back room.

I look at her, and politely say,  "Well diet and exercise is what is put me in this position.  Would you happen to have anything for sale in the store that you do not have to say that disclaimer?"

She smiles, with her recently zoomed teeth and says, "We sell water bottles"

"Just cash me out please."  I wonder if the water bottles would double as an enema when I shove it up her ass?

2lbs..tish tosh....

Okay so a week has gone by since my last post.  I did the hard part, I picked a goal.  In doing so I spent the last week carefully considering all the choices I made.  I limited junk and eat reasonable portions.  I really figured 2lbs..hell that is pure water weight.  That should come off in a blink of an eye.  Or at least with a diuretic.

Well...guess who jumped on the scale this morning and was very excited considering I attempted to stay at 1700 dollories.. a day.  When I looked down, I was in pure awe....total amazement....PUNCH ME IN THE FACE...I had lost ......nothing.  Not a single F$#&ing pound.  It is a good thing I gave myself a 30lb handicap. 

Although really; what was I thinking.  I have been on every diet invented...1700 dollories that is nothing.  I have lived on shakes for breakfast and lunch and manage not to loose weight.   Ate cabbage soup for weeks, and every other freaking shortcut that is written on the front of a book marked 20% off.   I guess I was stupidly optimistic.  I guess we have to go back to the drawing board and develop a much needed work out routine. 

Plan:  Tomorrow we attack work out routine.  (Don't judge..baby steps bob, baby steps) 

Why the hesitation?

So I did it, I faced my demon, I looked it right in the eye, stepped on and waited.  I held my breathe as the numbers quickly rolled up.  10..30...40..70...90..100...130....150........180......200.....250.....300. 
Ha! Right come on people like I was actually going to tell you what it stopped on.  Dream on! Lets just say I am under Kirsti Alley's pretend max weight.  Face it people..220 at 5 ft 9..is not fat it is a freaking lie. 

After facing the truth, I definitely need to loose weight.  Step one I need to find a system, Step two set a reasonable goal.  Step three accountability, monthly updates of weight and inches lost.  My concern is why.  Why did I wait so long? Why did I not see this?  Oh perhaps cuz I like who I freaking am!!!  Of course being skinny would be nice but..I am quite fantastic and I think perfect, so why change.

So lets tackle Step two (not because it does not require any physical work, but because it is truly easier).  They say that 2 pounds a week is a natural and healthy weight loss amount.  Let us begin there; there are 46 weeks left in the year.  That would be 92 pounds this year.  (Okay, like that is gonna happen) Now lets take off three weeks of vacation were I am totally sure I will not be loosing weight. We are at 86 pounds.  Now add 15 pounds gained from not trying to loose weight while I am on vacation.  Down to 71.  Now take off the weight I should have lost during the 5 major holidays that are still coming, that require picnics, drinks, and of course Turkey.  So we are now at 61 pounds.    Okay so 61 pounds by New Year's eve....  ( of course with a cushion of 30lbs...)

Tomorrow...Step one, and Step Three. 

Make it simple

I did some thinking and thought, loosing weight should be easy.  It is basically math, you get so many calories a day and then you try not to go into the red.  Kind of like a check book.  So maybe if I think of calories like money I would be wiser on how I choose to spend them.

Example:  I earn 2000 dollories..( he he it is funny you know it)  a day.  I should only spent 1800 dollories so that I don't bounce a check.  If 1800 dollars is not satisfying perhaps I need a new job at the gym to earn me some more dollories so that I can spend more.  Simple RIGHT? 

I have to wonder though, I am very good with money and math, but I have been so busy lately I have managed to bounce two checks, and over draft my account five times this year.  Did I mention that we are only 6 weeks into the year.  Maybe I need to find a new strategy...

Does any body no a good trainer/accountant?

D-Day

So day two of my voyage of reality.  I guess the next step is to decide exactly what to do.  Perhaps the doing is not the problem but the lack there of.  Let us take a moment to reflect on how I  got here, shall we. 

About 15 years ago I met someone.  Someone that managed to take myself centered mind off me and think about someone else for a change.  That should be a good thing right?  Of course it is, I can say with confidence, that man is probably the best thing in my life since brownies.  Any way, I spent years engulfing my life into his, all though I was totally okay with that.  We are complete opposites but a perfect fit.  

Then came work, which changed into a career, then the house, then I turned into a mom.  So how do you juggle all three, and yourself.  Well I decide the other day that my problem is I CAN'T JUGGLE.  I can't even catch a freaking ball.  (Which all stems to my childhood, or lack there of.  Self medication has helped me through that part of my life)  So my answer to all my problems, crap diets.  In the last five years, I have tried numerous exercise routines, countless diets, and spent more money on infomercial results then I dare to elaborate on.  What did I learn...all though things were disappointments and made me dislike who I was.

So I decided to start a new journey of my life. We started this training at work about accountability, or some shit, I really don't know cuz I was to busy with thinking of things to write in my blog.  But it accrued to me that I hold myself accountable for everything in my life.  Work, my home, how I raise my child.  Why is it I manage to find every excuse in the book and not hold myself accountable for what I look like? 

So it begins..Today I hold myself accountable.  I will get on the scale and face the reality of what I have done to myself and face it head  on like any other challenge in my life.  I will post my results and perhaps show some accountability. 

Ring..ring...  "Your selling what?   There will be.   Okay two it is..." 

So tomorrow is the day I start, I have been invited to a wine party.  Hell I've gone 15years, whats one more day..you can not turn down free wine..it is down right rude and we would not want to be known as the rude friend.

First time

Okay so here we go, I have decided that it is time for me to enlighten the world with my knowledge and comic relief.  Perhaps I should have done a little research.  Research that involves extra credit, something i was not the greatest at in school, so why even try in my later years in life. 

This is officially my first entry into my Blog.  Why did i start one, perhaps it is because the majority of my conversation deal with work, or which Spongebob episode is coming on next.  (Can some one explain to me why nick insist of showing the show for 4 hours in the evening every night!)   Well back to where i was, I realized on my, do i dare say it, my thirty-ish birthday that what do I have to show for it?  Sure married, ( happily) and mom, and a good career, but it was all routine.  So this is my attempt at a mid -life crisis that will perhaps turn into an book, or at least a good commercial. 

OK I GET IT...so you are wondering about the title..well for the past few years i feel like every time i turn around someone or something is always trying to pound something in my head.  Could it be the pants i put on every morning, that magically became a size smaller.  Or the fact the toilet bowl is shrinking?  Or that when i hold my breath, I no longer look smaller.  Or when I attempt to walk with a good posture, need to go to the chiropractor immediately.  OK I GET IT..I am turning into a giant.  It must be some kind of miracle perhaps i could be in the record books.  Or perhaps I should just walk my fat ass straight to the nearest Weight watchers and sign my soul to the dotted line.