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Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Moments of Impact

          I watch a movie the other day called the VOW; really just because I wanted a chick flick as well as a good excuse to cry and have wine.  If you have not seen the movie I won’t ruin it for you, but I do have to talk about it.  It was a basic story about a couple who loved each other, and due to a car accident she could not remember him or that part of her life.  So he was forced to make her fall in love with him again.
          The movie took my by surprise, making me wonder about moments of impact in my life that have made me who I am. (I sometimes wonder if it was not for movies would I not have any self-reflection, totally pathetic right.)  I decided that I would take some time and write in my club journal for my friend some of the things that had impacted my life and perhaps it would help me on this journey of finding myself again.  It was a lot harder trying to define moments of impact than I thought it would be.  At first I thought sure this would be easy, marriage, kid, house, were times.  But then I thought harder, those choices did not make me the person I am, so what did?   
          I remember before I met my husband, that I was going to be the first female fighter pilot, but some chick beat me to it. (She did crash into an aircraft carrier a year later)  Not because she was a woman, but they made sure to report it.  It did not stop me though; I thought I could still do it.  Well as you all know, I work at “chicken flats” so nope I did not grow up to be a fighter pilot, turns out you need really good eyesight, and Lasik had not be out yet. But I don’t think that shaped who I would become.  So what was it, what made me become the person I am, or the person I was going to be?
          I met my future husband not shortly after that though.  I know he was a moment of impact.  There was something about the way he looked at me, right into me.  A stare that made me want to be a better person.  He would see all the things I would be and could become before I would.  He had a subtle way of telling me the truth always. (Which years later I would grow to despise)  I really thought I was my own person and that I could take on the world, but truth be told if he wasn’t there I am pretty sure I would have crumbled like a house of cards years ago.
          Second moment of impact:  buy out family business, or risk starting my own career.  This was an easy choice for me but perhaps it shaped me more than I know.  I grew up working in family business.  I never really saw anyone in my family happy.  They were always working, never took and vacation and it was a struggle to make the business say afloat.  So why would I want that, I made the choice that I would work in a Corp. of some sort. A business large enough provide stability that owning your own business could not.  (Hence the capitalist and republican that I have become.)
          Third moment of impact: Death of my Father.  My dad had always been the glue of our family.  His death was devastating.  Although it was not a surprise for he was not the healthiest of men, however he was young when he left this earth.  I had suffered loss before and it never really phases me, but this one shaped me for years.  Not sure if it was his death or the fact that I had to make the choice for him that fazed me more.  His death had me questioning all the faith I had ever knew, my choices I had made in my life, and the choices I was going to make in my future. So entwined in his death put me spiraling into a hole where I spent years which lead too
          Fourth moment of impact: marriage trouble and my journey. Facing the fact that you made mistakes is one thing, seeing them in the mirror and having them thrown at you every day is another. So I started a change, I climbed out of the hole only to be knocked down repeatedly, but I am still climbing out so I guess it will have to do. I will say this I am eager to see number five, and this time I think, I know when it happens I will remember it!  
          So what were your moments of impact that help get you to the next step in your life?  Please share them with me if you can, perhaps your stories will be my next moment of impact. 

Friday, July 20, 2012

Selling my soul to the devil.

            I am really thinking the selling my soul to the Devil, it might be the only way I will see any progress!  So, I managed not to have my weird crying dream the last few nights, but I am sure that is due to pure exhaustion. This week at “Chicken Flats” we had to replace a floor.  That meant everything had to come out for a day and then put back in, and taken out of another section and back again and so on till complete.  Then to add to it, it was like a freaking 100 degrees and I chose this week to get back to running.  I must be retarded or stupid; I have not figured it out.

        I ordered the free trial of Sensa two weeks ago and received it last week and thought I would add it to my running routine.  First off let me start off by saying that number you call to get a free sample is a pain in the ass!  It is completely computerized and the stupid thing is program to do an add on sale for every item they offer.  The free sample phone call took 15 minutes, and had I said yes to any of the sales pitch questions I would have been charge nearly $400.00 just to get my free sample, of course it would have been upgraded to free shipping and somehow I would have saved over 50%.  (Still trying to figure that one out).

        Any way I have been on it for a week, and believe it or not I have gained a freaking 5lbs.  Which I am not sure how that is even possible, I have walked and ran all week, worked my butt off at “Chicken Flats”.  I totaled it out to be about 17 miles this week.  How the hell did I gain weight?  (Don’t give me any of that crap muscle weighs more than fat…newsflash that is volume not weight.  5lbs of shit is the same thing as 5lbs of flowers, just not pretty or sweet smelling).  This has brought me to my newest conclusion. No more pills, no more drugs, just selling my soul to the Devil.  I am pretty sure that is what all the famous do anyway.  So if anyone out there has seen the Devil, please send him my way, I will pull my pen out to sigh on the dotted line!

Monday, July 16, 2012

What was that?
It was raining as I walked out the door, without looking back.  I could feel the warmth of the tears stream down my face as the cool summer rain stung my cheeks from the storm.  As I sat in car I could feel his pulse as he held my hand.  It was rapid and hard, in conjunction with mine.  It was like he was an extension of me.  I could feel my heart beat faster as the tears continued to stream down my face.
“BUZZ BUZZZ BUZZzzzzz” the alarm went off suddenly!  That was the same dream I have had every night in the last three nights.  I can’t make out where I am going, who I am with or why I have an uncontrollable urge to cry when I first open my eyes?  Could I be going crazy again?  Is my subconscious telling me something?  Hell I can’t even figure out if it is from the past or in a distance future or even if we are on Mars; who ever "we" are. 
I have been up and down lately, can’t seem to figure out where I am going and why I can’t I get there faster.  I am on week two of my rerun, and I am really hoping it works this time.  I know I should just stop hoping and just do it, but I can’t help to feel like I am leaving something out.  You know forgetting something.  I hate the feeling.  It does make me crazy.  Oh well, guess if I linger on it, it would only create a new illusion for me, so I will keep pressing forward.  Perhaps my dream will too and I can figure out what I am forgetting.  In the meantime I am thinking a good four miles should clear my head, so here we go.  

Sunday, July 15, 2012

The second time around but who’s counting?
Well, I made it through week one of my 12 steps.  I am really luck to be going through this second time with a friend.  Strength really is in numbers, even if it is merely two.  This past week, my dear friend Nancy has decided to take this journey with me, and I am crazy proud of her!  This has been a battle we both have been fighting for so long, and secretly I think we have been both setting ourselves up for failure; but not anymore because we have each other to all each other out.
We, (she) has decided we should record this in our club books.  The book is to help us get out our fears, and goals, and even aguish.  I thought that is what my blog is for but let’s be honest; you can only go public with so many of your skeletons.  If I were to clean out of closet sort of speak in public I am pretty sure people would run and never look back. I told myself if I truly want to make changes I have to face some of my biggest fears and truths.  So I wrote them down.  The scary thing is we share the books, we trade them, so the other can hear our fears, and lend support.  I was crazy nervous when she read mine, but suddenly relieved when she said “I understand.”  It was weird, no judgment, no advice, just pure understanding and compassion. Something I had been craving for quite some time and until she said it I had not realized how long I had been searching for it.    I slept so good last night and felt so comfortable in my own skin for the first time in such a long time. 
I was really optimistic when I decide to jump on the demon scale and was terribly disappointed when it had not budged, but for the first time in a long time I did not feel defeated, I simple looked at the number as said, “It time to bring my game face!”  I am grateful for this blog; it has been an outlet for all my frustration and confusion, and place where I have received support when I really wasn’t looking for it.  I am sure this time around will be filled with ups and downs, times where I rise to the occasion and times where I lose my freaking mind, but this time I am prepared.  This time I have power in numbers!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Here I go, I find myself confused and lost again.  Why?  Why is it so hard?  I started thinking after an emotionally draining conversation with my dear sweet Nazi.  What are my true obstacles and what are just my illusions of obstacles?  Of course he calls them excuses, but in my mind they are things that have merit and value but in his mind, just a road block I throw up so if I fail it is not my fault.  So is he right?
Let’s not jump to any conclusions now.  I am not going to say he is right because to be quite honest, I am always right and I am just not ready to concede otherwise.  (Okay off subject, sorry all. It will take me a little while to get back on track and I will learn to keep my inner-monologues to a minimum, my deepest apologies fans.) Where was I, yes are they obstacles or illusions?  Okay here is a good example, the role of wife.  Obstacle or illusion; the definition of wife is:

Noun: 1)
1.    A married woman considered in relation to her husband.
2.    2) The wife of a man with a specified occupation: "a faculty wife".

Do you see what I see?  If not let me break it down for you.  A wife is a mere illusion of a woman secondary to a man.  All these years I have been defining this as a role in my life as a primary piece of who I was, when clearly it will always be secondary to who I am, or as the dictionary say secondary to him.  I have been beating myself up to be the best wife possible when there is no such thing.  There is no rating scale, no defining stages of success to it.  It just means you freaking married someone!  Why the hell have I used this as an obstacle, that taking time for me, might lead to be being a bad wife or a poor wife.  (Holy carp I should really start reading the dictionary more often!)
Obstacle two Mother obstacle or illusion; the definition of mother is:

A woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth.
Bring up (a child) with care and affection: "the art of mothering".

Do you see it? Once again, only a mere definition of something you once did.  You gave birth. You  help grown them, then you pushed and in my case some one ripped them out of you. But that is it plain and simple.   However if you notice, it is followed by a verb, action that must take place to fill this role.  This could be a true obstacle.  A responsibility to balance, but not an end all to be all of who I am.  So how do I tackle this obstacle?  How to balance the care and affection I need to give to my son and to myself.  (It should be easier now that I have taken wife of the freaking table.)

Of course there is more to it, I know we all want to be the best wife and make our husband happy, and we want to be the best mom, the coolest, not make mistakes.  But then what, what happens after they leave, what are you left with?  I think Mother Nature was a little cruel when it comes to the human linage.  Take Sea turtles, have the egg walk away, birds have an egg feed them teach them to be sufficient and kick them out and hope they fly and if they don’t oh well.  But not humans, and not women, we emotionally attach to everything!  Even material things, why?  Chemically and physically it is not needed, but we do it and carve it like a drug.  The unconditional love, the everlasting fairy tale we were told as little girls.  With that thought in mind, I have decided no more excuses, every road block I throw up I will decide, illusion or obstacle, because the truth is an obstacle can be moved or gone around!  (And by no means did I come to this conclusion because he was right)


Friday, July 6, 2012

Well I think it has been darn near a year, I kept telling myself get started again, start writing, start screaming, start running, just freaking start.   I am not really sure what the hell is going on in my head?  It doesn't help that I am surrounded by CRAZY, it is any wonder that I am as sane and put together as I am.  Although; I have read some of my past blogs and thought. Perhaps sane is not the best choice of words, of course that is what makes me drop dead fabulous.
So I started my journey with a realization, then a pitfall, than an epiphany. Then reality set in.  So I thought I would look up the 12 step program from AA and see where my success has fallen so that I can proceed positively forward.  Let me just say after reading the 12 steps, I have to wonder how any one succeeds. No offense but it sounded like a load of crap.  (I guess this means I am still at step one.)   Don't get me wrong I believe in GOD, and I have faith; but I also believe you make the choices in your life; you make your own destiny.  That opportunity doesn't come knocking on your door unless you are in a movie or a book.  You have to go find it and grab it. 
Even though i think i have made these positive choices in my life now, I could kick myself for not choosing sooner.  That had always been my mantra, so what the hell happened. How did I let myself fall apart? 


Oh well time to move on so I have decide to create my own 12 steps to MY ASS.  I have already taken the first step 1) facing the truth.  2) Deciding to change 3) reviewing the past
4) Run
5) Run
6) Run
7) Run

8) Run

9) Run
10) RUN
11) RUN
12) Walk.....
Perhaps it needs some work…  I think I will start with Sensa.  It should be in the mail in a few days.  (I really need to stop grabbing a crutch but hey it is a starting point!)