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Monday, November 21, 2011

Starting over...

Well, here we are people it is November and it was August since I last posted.  I am sure you are all wondering what happened?  Did I give up?  Did I die?  Did I say to hell with it all?  Well truth be told it was a little of it all.  The last few posts were filled with self-pity as I am sure this one will seem somewhat like that too.  I thought who in their right minds wanted to spend thirty minutes of their day listening to me bitch and whine. 
So why, “Did I fall off the face of the earth?” I will tell you why and this is the hardest thing I have had to say it was because I felt I was living a lie.  I talked about what a great family I had, and how in their own way they were so supportive, when to be utter and totally honest.  BULLSHIT!  Oh yeah I had a good job, and a good looking husband, and a cool kid, but none of that seem to matter to the Nazi, there was no contentment no peace and satisfaction in life.  I couldn’t be honest and write about it because I felt it was just too personal.  So after some long self-absorbed pity and evaluation and decided “fuck it” You all have seen me in a suit which I puke and cry at every time I look at the picture, so let’s fill you in on the non-sugar coated version of my life. 
Things went downhill this year at a rapid pace when my marriage became as rocky as the Aspen, Colorado.  Sure I thought everything was coming up roses, supportive husband, good job, and new lease on life.  When a fucking lightning bolt hit me and made me see that it was all for nothing. It was all too late.  My son already had this impression of me that I will spend years trying to take out of his mind of the fat mom that smothers her son.  And my husband, though excited that I had taken an interest in healthy had no more interest in me.  So I spent the last few months fighting to stay on track but it just seem like I had no reason to stay on track. 
I thought about getting off the train and taking a bus, finding a new life, starting over.  Could I give up on me, my life and everything around me?  Was this my life failing right before my eyes?  I attempted to swim and hold my head up, but water kept on coming the hared I tried the more frustrated I became.  I could see everything I ever worked for falling apart piece by piece.    I felt myself shutting people and family out attempting to make choices of my future my families future based on raw emotion diluted with self-pity and pain. 
So now what?  The only thing I did manage to do successfully over the last few months is maintain my weight and even though my crazy goal of 60lbs is probably out of reach right now, I am hopeful that I can get a little closer.  However I have to decide to really do this for me, which is how I started this journey but got derailed.  So if I can keep the spite and angry out of my life perhaps I can get back on track. 
So people were we are; right back where we started. I hope you join me a again and perhaps this time with your help I won’t get lost.