Monday, July 16, 2012
What was that?
It was raining as I walked out the door, without looking back. I could feel the warmth of the tears stream down my face as the cool summer rain stung my cheeks from the storm. As I sat in car I could feel his pulse as he held my hand. It was rapid and hard, in conjunction with mine. It was like he was an extension of me. I could feel my heart beat faster as the tears continued to stream down my face.
“BUZZ BUZZZ BUZZzzzzz” the alarm went off suddenly! That was the same dream I have had every night in the last three nights. I can’t make out where I am going, who I am with or why I have an uncontrollable urge to cry when I first open my eyes? Could I be going crazy again? Is my subconscious telling me something? Hell I can’t even figure out if it is from the past or in a distance future or even if we are on Mars; who ever "we" are.
I have been up and down lately, can’t seem to figure out where I am going and why I can’t I get there faster. I am on week two of my rerun, and I am really hoping it works this time. I know I should just stop hoping and just do it, but I can’t help to feel like I am leaving something out. You know forgetting something. I hate the feeling. It does make me crazy. Oh well, guess if I linger on it, it would only create a new illusion for me, so I will keep pressing forward. Perhaps my dream will too and I can figure out what I am forgetting. In the meantime I am thinking a good four miles should clear my head, so here we go.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
The second time around but who’s counting?
Well, I made it through week one of my 12 steps. I am really luck to be going through this second time with a friend. Strength really is in numbers, even if it is merely two. This past week, my dear friend Nancy has decided to take this journey with me, and I am crazy proud of her! This has been a battle we both have been fighting for so long, and secretly I think we have been both setting ourselves up for failure; but not anymore because we have each other to all each other out.
We, (she) has decided we should record this in our club books. The book is to help us get out our fears, and goals, and even aguish. I thought that is what my blog is for but let’s be honest; you can only go public with so many of your skeletons. If I were to clean out of closet sort of speak in public I am pretty sure people would run and never look back. I told myself if I truly want to make changes I have to face some of my biggest fears and truths. So I wrote them down. The scary thing is we share the books, we trade them, so the other can hear our fears, and lend support. I was crazy nervous when she read mine, but suddenly relieved when she said “I understand.” It was weird, no judgment, no advice, just pure understanding and compassion. Something I had been craving for quite some time and until she said it I had not realized how long I had been searching for it. I slept so good last night and felt so comfortable in my own skin for the first time in such a long time.
I was really optimistic when I decide to jump on the demon scale and was terribly disappointed when it had not budged, but for the first time in a long time I did not feel defeated, I simple looked at the number as said, “It time to bring my game face!” I am grateful for this blog; it has been an outlet for all my frustration and confusion, and place where I have received support when I really wasn’t looking for it. I am sure this time around will be filled with ups and downs, times where I rise to the occasion and times where I lose my freaking mind, but this time I am prepared. This time I have power in numbers!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
OBSTICALE OR ILLUSION?
Here I go, I find myself confused and lost again. Why? Why is it so hard? I started thinking after an emotionally draining conversation with my dear sweet Nazi. What are my true obstacles and what are just my illusions of obstacles? Of course he calls them excuses, but in my mind they are things that have merit and value but in his mind, just a road block I throw up so if I fail it is not my fault. So is he right?
Let’s not jump to any conclusions now. I am not going to say he is right because to be quite honest, I am always right and I am just not ready to concede otherwise. (Okay off subject, sorry all. It will take me a little while to get back on track and I will learn to keep my inner-monologues to a minimum, my deepest apologies fans.) Where was I, yes are they obstacles or illusions? Okay here is a good example, the role of wife. Obstacle or illusion; the definition of wife is:
Do you see what I see? If not let me break it down for you. A wife is a mere illusion of a woman secondary to a man. All these years I have been defining this as a role in my life as a primary piece of who I was, when clearly it will always be secondary to who I am, or as the dictionary say secondary to him. I have been beating myself up to be the best wife possible when there is no such thing. There is no rating scale, no defining stages of success to it. It just means you freaking married someone! Why the hell have I used this as an obstacle, that taking time for me, might lead to be being a bad wife or a poor wife. (Holy carp I should really start reading the dictionary more often!)
Obstacle two Mother obstacle or illusion; the definition of mother is:
Do you see it? Once again, only a mere definition of something you once did. You gave birth. You help grown them, then you pushed and in my case some one ripped them out of you. But that is it plain and simple. However if you notice, it is followed by a verb, action that must take place to fill this role. This could be a true obstacle. A responsibility to balance, but not an end all to be all of who I am. So how do I tackle this obstacle? How to balance the care and affection I need to give to my son and to myself. (It should be easier now that I have taken wife of the freaking table.)
Of course there is more to it, I know we all want to be the best wife and make our husband happy, and we want to be the best mom, the coolest, not make mistakes. But then what, what happens after they leave, what are you left with? I think Mother Nature was a little cruel when it comes to the human linage. Take Sea turtles, have the egg walk away, birds have an egg feed them teach them to be sufficient and kick them out and hope they fly and if they don’t oh well. But not humans, and not women, we emotionally attach to everything! Even material things, why? Chemically and physically it is not needed, but we do it and carve it like a drug. The unconditional love, the everlasting fairy tale we were told as little girls. With that thought in mind, I have decided no more excuses, every road block I throw up I will decide, illusion or obstacle, because the truth is an obstacle can be moved or gone around! (And by no means did I come to this conclusion because he was right)
Friday, July 6, 2012
Well I think it has been darn near a year, I kept telling myself get started again, start writing, start screaming, start running, just freaking start. I am not really sure what the hell is going on in my head? It doesn't help that I am surrounded by CRAZY, it is any wonder that I am as sane and put together as I am. Although; I have read some of my past blogs and thought. Perhaps sane is not the best choice of words, of course that is what makes me drop dead fabulous.
So I started my journey with a realization, then a pitfall, than an epiphany. Then reality set in. So I thought I would look up the 12 step program from AA and see where my success has fallen so that I can proceed positively forward. Let me just say after reading the 12 steps, I have to wonder how any one succeeds. No offense but it sounded like a load of crap. (I guess this means I am still at step one.) Don't get me wrong I believe in GOD, and I have faith; but I also believe you make the choices in your life; you make your own destiny. That opportunity doesn't come knocking on your door unless you are in a movie or a book. You have to go find it and grab it.
Even though i think i have made these positive choices in my life now, I could kick myself for not choosing sooner. That had always been my mantra, so what the hell happened. How did I let myself fall apart?
Oh well time to move on so I have decide to create my own 12 steps to MY ASS. I have already taken the first step 1) facing the truth. 2) Deciding to change 3) reviewing the past
Perhaps it needs some work… I think I will start with Sensa. It should be in the mail in a few days. (I really need to stop grabbing a crutch but hey it is a starting point!)