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Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Here I go, I find myself confused and lost again.  Why?  Why is it so hard?  I started thinking after an emotionally draining conversation with my dear sweet Nazi.  What are my true obstacles and what are just my illusions of obstacles?  Of course he calls them excuses, but in my mind they are things that have merit and value but in his mind, just a road block I throw up so if I fail it is not my fault.  So is he right?
Let’s not jump to any conclusions now.  I am not going to say he is right because to be quite honest, I am always right and I am just not ready to concede otherwise.  (Okay off subject, sorry all. It will take me a little while to get back on track and I will learn to keep my inner-monologues to a minimum, my deepest apologies fans.) Where was I, yes are they obstacles or illusions?  Okay here is a good example, the role of wife.  Obstacle or illusion; the definition of wife is:

Noun: 1)
1.    A married woman considered in relation to her husband.
2.    2) The wife of a man with a specified occupation: "a faculty wife".

Do you see what I see?  If not let me break it down for you.  A wife is a mere illusion of a woman secondary to a man.  All these years I have been defining this as a role in my life as a primary piece of who I was, when clearly it will always be secondary to who I am, or as the dictionary say secondary to him.  I have been beating myself up to be the best wife possible when there is no such thing.  There is no rating scale, no defining stages of success to it.  It just means you freaking married someone!  Why the hell have I used this as an obstacle, that taking time for me, might lead to be being a bad wife or a poor wife.  (Holy carp I should really start reading the dictionary more often!)
Obstacle two Mother obstacle or illusion; the definition of mother is:

A woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth.
Bring up (a child) with care and affection: "the art of mothering".

Do you see it? Once again, only a mere definition of something you once did.  You gave birth. You  help grown them, then you pushed and in my case some one ripped them out of you. But that is it plain and simple.   However if you notice, it is followed by a verb, action that must take place to fill this role.  This could be a true obstacle.  A responsibility to balance, but not an end all to be all of who I am.  So how do I tackle this obstacle?  How to balance the care and affection I need to give to my son and to myself.  (It should be easier now that I have taken wife of the freaking table.)

Of course there is more to it, I know we all want to be the best wife and make our husband happy, and we want to be the best mom, the coolest, not make mistakes.  But then what, what happens after they leave, what are you left with?  I think Mother Nature was a little cruel when it comes to the human linage.  Take Sea turtles, have the egg walk away, birds have an egg feed them teach them to be sufficient and kick them out and hope they fly and if they don’t oh well.  But not humans, and not women, we emotionally attach to everything!  Even material things, why?  Chemically and physically it is not needed, but we do it and carve it like a drug.  The unconditional love, the everlasting fairy tale we were told as little girls.  With that thought in mind, I have decided no more excuses, every road block I throw up I will decide, illusion or obstacle, because the truth is an obstacle can be moved or gone around!  (And by no means did I come to this conclusion because he was right)


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