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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Self pity is very unbecoming

Okay I get has been a rough two weeks, and it is only getting harder.  I realized the other day as I was miserably looking into the mirror Self Pity is so very unbecoming of me.   The last two weeks not only have I only lost one pound, my body is in so much pain, and I'm pretty sure I have two new freaking wrinkles around my newly formed "crows feet"  I used to have a line and now they have officially turned into feet! 

I mean come on, I am not old, and I thought thirty was the new twenty?  Then why do I look and feel freaking  forty?  (not that forty is bad, just when you are nearly ten {okay some and rounding} years younger than that it sucks!)  So I have decided no more!  NO MORE SELF PITY!.  It must stop if I am going to be successful at my goal. 

So on that positive note, today is Tuesday, and I had to weigh in this morning.  So I walked seductively into the bathroom and I looked my lover in the eye, tapped him and said, " let's do this!"  As I jumped on the slot machine I looked down only to reveal that I had gained a freaking pound! 

"MUDDDER F&^%#@&!"

Okay ladies and gentlemen..self pity stops tomorrow, unless the tape test goes terribly bad!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

The Nazi

Well it is Saturday morning and I can feel myself slipping into a self pity comma.  Which I have a tendency to do when things are not going as well as expected.  I have plateaued and it has not been pretty, then to top if off my knees and hips are feeling the pain from the running I have been doing. 

This journey has been very physical and now I think I am really fighting the mental part of weight loss.  I know I can do it, and I know I just have to push forward, but I really just want to throw in the towel and say forget it.  I think my dear hubby is seeing it too, so he is going out of his way with support, (nagging)  but he has turned into the running Nazi!.  I don't even have a chance to go to the bathroom with hearing..."Did you run today?"  "What time are your running?"  Or this is the best, "If you run now we can go to the store together."   (no offence but really two choirs that a dread..that's enticing.  ASSHAT!) I know I should look at this as the real support it is but it is just pissing me off!! 

I am working desperately on making life changes, this includes balancing life with exercise and all the other things that have to get done in a timely fashion.  I AM NOT MAKING EXCUSES, I am stating the fact, dinner should be done by 5-6 not 9 at night, and bed time for Seth should start 8:30 not two min before 9. 

See the one thing the dear Nazi doesn't realise that as the MOM you don't get the luxury of free time, Me time, or lets get skinny time.  Not in this freaking house.  If the Nazi comes home to a house that is not clean, or dishes aren't done, I get to hear about how I did nothing all day, if the laundry has been put away or I get to hear about that too..Then I get to hear "did you run?" 

Don't get me wrong people, its not like Sleeping with the Enemy or any crazy shit like that but, it does make me feel like I am not the wife he expected, I mean hell with all the support I can tell I obviously don't look like the wife he expected.  BOTTOM LINE>>I hate failing, I hate feeling like a failure..And now I am stuck in self pity mode which pisses me off even more!  But how do you survive with someone, if they think they are better then you, you are supposed to be equals...  If you are out there and you feel me pain, and have some words of wisdom please share them...

Tonight>  I am getting trashed, and tomorrow no more self pity, we are moving to anger and vengence!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

FU Plateau

Well it is Tuesday again, week 13!  Had to visit my, "Slot Machine from Hell"  And yes as you can tell from my tone we are not on speaking terms.  I mean come on, I ran a total of 26 miles this week, and watched what I ate, busted my ass as work, and put my life back together from traveling and what does the " El De'ablo tell me when I jump on the scale lost .5lbs .  NOT FIVE POUNDS people.  POINT FIVE pounds; a freaking half a pound. 

So as a bitch to my old man and I am sure he can tell that I am disgusted , probably from the excessive amount of profanities that echoes through the house this morning.  As I wrote on the dry erase board and threw the stupid marker which I a sure I will never find again. 

"It is still a loss."  He says is an attempt to be supportive. (when I secretly know he wants to laugh and say something funny, cuz compassion  is not his strong suit, but un-filtered truth better known as open mouth insert foot is) 

I can not believe it, A freaking plateau...already, I have to get past this, I am 6 lbs behind schedule and I can not afford to "plateau for a few weeks!"  Not to mention I am coming up on vacation week which I had planned on gaining 3 pounds from the mass consummations of alcoholic beverages.  Now I can't even do that! 

So here we are my new enemy....I will see you on the battlefield and I say to you...FU !!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

New units of measurements

This week has been great, I have been back from out of state for "Chicken Flats"  and things are back to normal.  I have been running everyday with the support (nagging) of my dear husband.  But it has been going well.  I have been averaging three miles and at least two days I shoot for five miles.  It is getting easier, but I can not get my son to understand that mommy needs to have "me time" to exercise if mommy is going to be successful.  I swear to God it never fails the moment I turn that thing on, it is, "!"  I want to kill him, he and my hubby do the same thing when I am on the freaking is with that!

Anyway, I was feeling very good; so good that even though I promised myself I would not do it, I have been visiting my new lover all week, the scale.  He has not been so friendly with me.  It has been up and down all week and I am now concerned that by Tuesday I will have lost nothing?  But I wonder is this what happens all week and I just don't know it?  So I have decided I need a new unit of measurement to boost my morale.  Because I believe I have hit it...the dreaded plateau.  I really thought that you weren't supposed to plateau until you actually had lost some weight.  But I started thinking about it and this is about were I would normally cave, the 15-19 pound it is imperative people that I have some success this week!  IMPERATIVE!

The only thing that is keeping me going is that my clothes feel different, but the problems is I have such a weird airy of sizes I can't remember what fit and what was tight.  I have three sections in my closet..the it's that time wardrobe...everything is a little stretched out or made of stretchy material.  The "look at me" section, that is the stuff that is dressing and sometimes I can wear them and sometimes I just look at them.  Then there is the "I have a dream" section which are clothes I probably have not worn in 10 years, but I can not part with them, and but the time I can were them again they will be so far gone on the fashion scale I should slap myself for going out in public with them on.  But today..I found the ultimate prize, the biggest boost I have gotten from anything I have tried on.

Wait for it...wait  for it...MY BATH TOWEL.  Note: I don't not have the giant bath towels, cuz one they are expensive and two they take too long to dry.  So I have the average size towels and in the past few years, I have struggled to wrap one around me.  Well today ladies and gentlemen..I got out of the shower, wrapped the towel around me and walked to my dressing room and realized the towel was up on it's own.  Then I looked down and notices it was overlapped and I was not showing any lady parts!!  I am officially small enough to wear a large piece of terry clothe!!! 

DON' T JUDGE...I will take success where I see fit!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Multiple personalities

So here I am twelve weeks in, on a emotional journey that still has 30 weeks to go.  I had to visit my friend today, the Slot Machine From Hell.  Although he is my new secret lover, his honesty is less then to be desired.  I weighed in late last week due to traveling for "Chicken Flats", so I am guessing some of that 2 1/2 pounds last week should be this week.  But I decide to meet him anyway and of course, as I predicted his honesty is less then to be desired. 

Only 1/2 pound, talk about a punch in the gut; even with all the running I did and I practically staved myself during my "last chance work out day"  ( FYI: Biggest Looser  reference)  But I guess it is to be expected, I did just weigh in Friday so it only has been 4 days.  Not to mention this weird depression/funk I seem to be in.  One minute good, next I am freaking Eor.  I am beginning to wonder if I will break out in all the Winnie the Pooh  personalities this week and if I should check myself into the nut house.  Or at least the nearest oak tree.

What you don't see it?  Come on people, Winnie the Pooh is a total mask for a story about a girl that is trapped in a boys body.  He runs off to make believe place where all his "friends (dolls) come to life"  He dresses like a girl, and his best friend's name is Winne...COME ON!   Seriously the guy who wrote it had to suffer from multiple personalities.  Winnie- the lost innocent , Rabbit- controlling and anal retentive, Owl- wise, his conscience, Tigger- the outcast one of kind, Pigglet- the humble and scared,  and Eor- the depressed and reality struck soul.    You know you see it now, right? 

Well faithful fans, what is one to do..I am now officially behind 4 1/2 pounds, stuck in a rut, and attempting to run my way out of it.  I could use some inspiration now if you got it.  Don't get me wrong, I am proud that I  made it this far, but I still have 30 weeks to go and now I have to make every one of them count!  So e-mail, text, post, call with your hidden tips or advice or words of wisdom.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Moving forward

Well, I know many of you are wondering, WHAT HAPPENED?  WHERE DID YOU GO?  Well no fear my faithful followers, it was not me.  Blogger was undergoing some changes and I was blocked out till they updated.  I was hoping when I came back that I would see that someone answered my questions from my last blog.  But that is okay, I know I have a very limited crowed right now...HINT HINT PEOPLE>>>I need you to do some grass roots campaigning for me if I am ever to become famous. 

Anyway let me give you an update on the last two weeks, cuz man have they been full.  Lets start with work, because that is simple.  I had to make another run out of state for "Chicken Flats".  But this time it was not as bad, because it was not to open a new one but to do some up keep on the others.  Which sometimes is quite overwhelming.  See they are getting lots of visitors from all over, and they have to look their best..( plus if they do then I look pretty good myself)  but I a totally not doing it for any type of self reward..or prize.  ( those of you who work with me..just know that I am totally asking you to start nominating my ass for a freaking prize; but I am attempting to do it as humbly as I can.)  Anyway, it was a long week but it went well and my hard work paid off I got to come home a few hours earlier then expected.  It is weird how when you travel so much a few hours can fee like forever.

Now what was going on at home, the usually stuff, hubby working on the house ball games, homework and life.  It was a rough week for hubby and wife. Like I said in my first few blogs, juggling and balancing is not my greatest talents, and it is over whelming trying to be the best at everything. Hell even trying to be just good at everything is exhausting.  But I think the worst is when you think you are; but you really aren't.  So I have decided that I need to get better at juggling and I need to do it fast.  Not that everything is falling apart or anything but that I am concerned that the structure is got a few cracks.  So hubby and I are working together to make sure both of us become great jugglers. 

On that note pretty much summed up my week ..except I was away for my weigh in, and let me just tell you people next time I travel I am taking my own scale. Cuz the one at hotel is possessed by De'ablo himself I tell you.  As if work, life, bills hadn't worn me down enough the GOD forsaken thing told me 7 times that I had gained 15 motha F*&%ing pounds.  ( Go to hell Satin possessed Slot Machine!)  So I ended up run every chance I got, cuz I thought OMG could I have really gained weight.  I have been on a solid track of loosing weight, could this be my fall back week, my breaking moment? 

So as soon as I got home I jumped on my slot machine from hell, and I looked down and I said..."Hello LOVER  I have missed your sweet positive renforcement."  For it said back to me is the most seductive tone a digital number could...YOU LOST WIEGHT  MY PRECIOUS.  I jumped off and kissed it good night.  (stop judging people you know you would kiss it too) 

So with my reborn excitement I went to my Fat Lazy Ass Needs To Get Off  The Couch (FLANTGOTC)  Meeting...okay i admit the acronym could use some workI will take suggestions if you got them.  So I jumped on the tread mill and I ran, and I ran.  And for the first time every I got it...the runners high..and let me tell you it was mind was clear, my heart was steady, everything was moving is one fluid motion.  I know I set a goal of running 5 miles and was hopeful to hit it this year..well people are you ready for this....I DID IT! FIVE FREAKING miles, and I am sure I could have gone more.  Now the down fall is I don't think I can do it today.  I am so sore, every muscle in my body hurts..I hurt is places where I am sure I have not had muscle since I was a kid.  BUT I can always say I did it!!! 

POSITIVE QUOTE FOR THIS WEEK:  "You can do it Water Boy!!" 

Sunday, May 8, 2011


So this week, was truly a rough week, I was feeling really good about my success and my new found commitment about staying on the wagon.  However I was betrayed by my own laziness and only manage to run twice this week.  It is amazing how one thing over comes another. Betrayal can be a tricky thing.

I am mean in the instant gratification of that slice of cake, or pie or extra few dollaries, really doesn't out weigh the big picture, but you find your self enjoying more because of the taboo of it.  Then the guilt sets in, the realization that everything you worked so hard for even if it is just the few pounds or that "Ahhaw" moment of success is now gone. 

So here is the bigger question... How do you take the power away from "betrayal"  or recover from it.  So I am asking all you out there...What do you do to take the power away from your vice?  How do you stay on your wagon?

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

On the wagon

So as you see from my last post I have not been that successful this past week.  I was really worried about my weigh in, because I was sure I had jinxed myself.  The other day; my loving and supportive husband was riding my ass about not exercising and I made the mistake of saying, "You know I am doing a lot better than you think at least I have not gained anything back!"  Well this week with all the misery I was in due to spring, and really I think I was using every excuse in the book cuz I really was tired.  I was sure that I would get on the slot machine form hell and it would taunt me by laughing as it said I had gained weight. 

Stupid karma. 

So in a last chance effort this morning I ran as hard as I could for as long as I could and then weighed in.  (it was a very Biggest Looser moment)  But anyway, I jumped on and to my surprise I had lost a pound and half.  Not record setting but as least karma stayed away one more week.  But it has  made me think, I have to get back on the wagon, get back on track.  I can't loose sight of my goals.  Then I thought perhaps if I look at my weight as my addiction.  Stay with me people, I see people on the news and all over that piss their lives away over an addiction and I wonder, why?  Why can't they just make the choice to do the right thing for themselves their family and society.  Perhaps, weight/food/ and laziness is my vice.  Maybe if I looked at my weight as a dyer situation I would choose to work harder.  Not saying in need to go to Over Eaters Anonymous or anything, but perhaps my Ass is Tired of Working So I'm Gonna Sit Here on the Freaking Couch meetings. 

You know when I started this journey, it was about finding myself.  Not to mention that my skinny doc said it was either loose the weight or lap band surgery.  That really put a spark up my ass but then the flame burnt out.  Cuz I hate to say it because it sounds so cliche, it really is a lifestyle change you have to make.  So here is ...

Step One all over again:  My name is Nancy and I am fat and I like to be lazy.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Freaking spring.

So I have not been very sucessful this week with my exercise rotiune.  Although I started the week off well, it has ended a little crappy.  I love spring, I used to suffer some seasonal depression after moving to this state.  The winter is so long and I swear it starts earlier and ends later every year.  Global warming is a freaking joke!  But the problem here is that everything turns brown early and stays that way for ever! So when spring comes I love it, green grass, blooming flowers, and all the wonderful smells.  Then something weird happend...out of the blue I strarted getting allergies, and each year they get worse.  My favoriate season has now become my nemisis.  I can't leave the windows open at night ans enjoy the cool air, cuz by morning my freaking eyes are so swollen that they hurt to open.  All day long I pop allergy meds, and antihistime drops in my eyes and I still want to rip them out of my head and rinse them in cool water and put them back in! 


Then this weekend we had a very nice day so I spent the whole day working in the yard planting grass at my new house.  Then I had to sprinkle straw all over to make sure the see did not wash away.  As a sprinkled and walked the yard, my face began to swell.  My eyes watered.  I kept going cuz we had to get it done.  I itched all over, i began popping alevert like it was candy.  I must have eaten 10 before I realized that my face felt like the kid from the movie "Mask"  with Cher.  I spent the rest of the night inside with ice cold towels  on my face and spent Sunday so miserable I think people on death row probably had a better personality.