OBSTICALE OR ILLUSION?

Here I go, I find myself confused and lost again.  Why?  Why is it so hard?  I started thinking after an emotionally draining conversation with my dear sweet Nazi.  What are my true obstacles and what are just my illusions of obstacles?  Of course he calls them excuses, but in my mind they are things that have merit and value but in his mind, just a road block I throw up so if I fail it is not my fault.  So is he right?

Let’s not jump to any conclusions now.  I am not going to say he is right because to be quite honest, I am always right and I am just not ready to concede otherwise.  (Okay off subject, sorry all. It will take me a little while to get back on track and I will learn to keep my inner-monologues to a minimum, my deepest apologies fans.) Where was I, yes are they obstacles or illusions?  Okay here is a good example, the role of wife.  Obstacle or illusion; the definition of wife is:

Noun: 1)

1.    A married woman considered in relation to her husband. 2.    2) The wife of a man with a specified occupation: "a faculty wife".

Do you see what I see?  If not let me break it down for you.  A wife is a mere illusion of a woman secondary to a man.  All these years I have been defining this as a role in my life as a primary piece of who I was, when clearly it will always be secondary to who I am, or as the dictionary say secondary to him.  I have been beating myself up to be the best wife possible when there is no such thing.  There is no rating scale, no defining stages of success to it.  It just means you freaking married someone!  Why the hell have I used this as an obstacle, that taking time for me, might lead to be being a bad wife or a poor wife.  (Holy carp I should really start reading the dictionary more often!)

Obstacle two Mother obstacle or illusion; the definition of mother is:

Noun:	A woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth.
Verb:	Bring up (a child) with care and affection: "the art of mothering".

Do you see it? Once again, only a mere definition of something you once did.  You gave birth. You  help grown them, then you pushed and in my case some one ripped them out of you. But that is it plain and simple.   However if you notice, it is followed by a verb, action that must take place to fill this role.  This could be a true obstacle.  A responsibility to balance, but not an end all to be all of who I am.  So how do I tackle this obstacle?  How to balance the care and affection I need to give to my son and to myself.  (It should be easier now that I have taken wife of the freaking table.)

Of course there is more to it, I know we all want to be the best wife and make our husband happy, and we want to be the best mom, the coolest, not make mistakes.  But then what, what happens after they leave, what are you left with?  I think Mother Nature was a little cruel when it comes to the human linage.  Take Sea turtles, have the egg walk away, birds have an egg feed them teach them to be sufficient and kick them out and hope they fly and if they don’t oh well.  But not humans, and not women, we emotionally attach to everything!  Even material things, why?  Chemically and physically it is not needed, but we do it and carve it like a drug.  The unconditional love, the everlasting fairy tale we were told as little girls.  With that thought in mind, I have decided no more excuses, every road block I throw up I will decide, illusion or obstacle, because the truth is an obstacle can be moved or gone around!  (And by no means did I come to this conclusion because he was right)

 

Well I think it has been darn near a year, I kept telling myself get started again, start writing, start screaming, start running, just freaking start.   I am not really sure what the hell is going on in my head?  It doesn't help that I am surrounded by CRAZY, it is any wonder that I am as sane and put together as I am.  Although; I have read some of my past blogs and thought. Perhaps sane is not the best choice of words, of course that is what makes me drop dead fabulous.

So I started my journey with a realization, then a pitfall, than an epiphany. Then reality set in.  So I thought I would look up the 12 step program from AA and see where my success has fallen so that I can proceed positively forward.  Let me just say after reading the 12 steps, I have to wonder how any one succeeds. No offense but it sounded like a load of crap.  (I guess this means I am still at step one.)   Don't get me wrong I believe in GOD, and I have faith; but I also believe you make the choices in your life; you make your own destiny.  That opportunity doesn't come knocking on your door unless you are in a movie or a book.  You have to go find it and grab it. 

Even though i think i have made these positive choices in my life now, I could kick myself for not choosing sooner.  That had always been my mantra, so what the hell happened. How did I let myself fall apart? 

KICKING...KICKING...NOW SCREAMING!

Oh well time to move on so I have decide to create my own 12 steps to MY ASS.  I have already taken the first step 1) facing the truth.  2) Deciding to change 3) reviewing the past

4) Run

5) Run

6) Run

7) Run

8) Run

9) Run

10) RUN

11) RUN

12) Walk.....

Perhaps it needs some work…  I think I will start with Sensa.  It should be in the mail in a few days.  (I really need to stop grabbing a crutch but hey it is a starting point!)

Christmas in the BDH

This was our real first Christmas in the BDH, what is the BDH you ask.  That is my acronym for the Bigger Dream Home.  It really means big damn house that is eating me alive and that I will still be paying for when I am dead.  But let’s focus, yes we moved in on Christmas Eve of 2010, which made for a very exciting Christmas, so how do you top that; a house for Christmas.

I was planning a humble Christmas because of the huge expense of the house this past year, and I really wanted a “hallmark Christmas”.  You know the kind you see on TV that makes you secretly tear up, but you say “there was something in my eye”  One of those Christmas’s that involve enlightenment, peace on earth and of course everything coming together on Christmas morning.

I did however have the typical “Bigger” Christmas, no big surprises. Really after all these years this year were the first that we started a tradition, well we actually started last year; we went to the Chinese restaurant for Christmas dinner.  Not because our dog ate the turkey but because we thought we did it the first Christmas in the BDH so why not from now out.  I am not sure if it is funny or sad that it was the most exciting thing we did. 

I guess I should be grateful, we have survived this year, and grown, and been healthy.  But what a year it has been.  Bullshit, I will reflect at New Year’s, right now I am wondering why I didn’t get more presents because I am absolutely sure I deserved the world this past year. I guess this is where my son gets his dissatisfaction with his haul this year, not from the fact that he is so over indulged, but that he comes from my loins.

It is a lot harder to do….

Well, I fell off the face of the earth and now I am back, I was hoping I would come out of the gates like a race horse but I guess anger and spite got the best of me.  Winter is the hardest time for me anyway, so the added disappointment didn’t help.  I have to say after my last posting I was surprised how quickly everyone came to my support.  I received emails, texts and even an old friend dropped back into my life for a moment of support. 

So here I am now looking at the finish line that has approached so soon, that I was really frustrated that I couldn’t go back and do it again.  All I can say is yes ladies and gentles I made it to my goal. Of course I have to use the handicap I set for myself, but at this point I will take it as a win! So I will have to roll into 2012 with a plan to finish my goal. 

Let’s recap in this past year of ups and downs shall we?  I stared off realizing that I was shaped like a starfish, and that I not only needed to lose weight but I need to “bring my sexy back” by incorporating a Mantra, that didn’t stick very well.  I found out that “Nancy” (typically I hate people that refer to themselves in the third person, but in this situation I am totally okay with it) very much resembles a sumo wrestler in a white thong; so we have made the switch to boy shorts. We have come to the conclusion that the “balls to the wall” is not the best policy for me to follow.  Also; that my son has a touch of diarrhea mouth and has no filter.

Through this past year it has been a crazy journey and I have to say that I have made so many changes in my life that I have to look back and be proud of what I have done.  I rededicated my life to me and my family ( even though it was not hugely successful, it is the fact that I tried)  I restructured my work and gained new help.  I started a kick ass Man Hating club that meets once and month and is filled with some of the most amazing women; which more detail will be coming.  Not to mention the weight is better, and my health is better than it has even been.  I also made a promise to myself to take care for my entire debit in the next few years, and take that stress off my plate.  So here is to me….the fantastic fabulous, well dressed, charismatic, top shelf, individual I know. 

Now for setting the new goal, of course it will be to finish what I started, but I think I am going to through a twist on it.  This time it is for me, solely me.  I want to be able to look into the mirror; I want to be comfortable in my own skin again.  And if someone follows, so be it, and if he doesn’t so be that too! I will be requiring some help from you all of course.  Like a new Mantra, something to inspire me day after day.  Something I can scream from the roof top.  So I am taking suggestions, post them on my blog, send them to me, and write them on my wall. 

Here is to road we traveled in 2011, and the mountain we will climb in 2012!  

***THIS YEAR I AM DOING IT!!!