Christmas in the BDH

This was our real first Christmas in the BDH, what is the BDH you ask.  That is my acronym for the Bigger Dream Home.  It really means big damn house that is eating me alive and that I will still be paying for when I am dead.  But let’s focus, yes we moved in on Christmas Eve of 2010, which made for a very exciting Christmas, so how do you top that; a house for Christmas.

I was planning a humble Christmas because of the huge expense of the house this past year, and I really wanted a “hallmark Christmas”.  You know the kind you see on TV that makes you secretly tear up, but you say “there was something in my eye”  One of those Christmas’s that involve enlightenment, peace on earth and of course everything coming together on Christmas morning.

I did however have the typical “Bigger” Christmas, no big surprises. Really after all these years this year were the first that we started a tradition, well we actually started last year; we went to the Chinese restaurant for Christmas dinner.  Not because our dog ate the turkey but because we thought we did it the first Christmas in the BDH so why not from now out.  I am not sure if it is funny or sad that it was the most exciting thing we did. 

I guess I should be grateful, we have survived this year, and grown, and been healthy.  But what a year it has been.  Bullshit, I will reflect at New Year’s, right now I am wondering why I didn’t get more presents because I am absolutely sure I deserved the world this past year. I guess this is where my son gets his dissatisfaction with his haul this year, not from the fact that he is so over indulged, but that he comes from my loins.

It is a lot harder to do….

Well, I fell off the face of the earth and now I am back, I was hoping I would come out of the gates like a race horse but I guess anger and spite got the best of me.  Winter is the hardest time for me anyway, so the added disappointment didn’t help.  I have to say after my last posting I was surprised how quickly everyone came to my support.  I received emails, texts and even an old friend dropped back into my life for a moment of support. 

So here I am now looking at the finish line that has approached so soon, that I was really frustrated that I couldn’t go back and do it again.  All I can say is yes ladies and gentles I made it to my goal. Of course I have to use the handicap I set for myself, but at this point I will take it as a win! So I will have to roll into 2012 with a plan to finish my goal. 

Let’s recap in this past year of ups and downs shall we?  I stared off realizing that I was shaped like a starfish, and that I not only needed to lose weight but I need to “bring my sexy back” by incorporating a Mantra, that didn’t stick very well.  I found out that “Nancy” (typically I hate people that refer to themselves in the third person, but in this situation I am totally okay with it) very much resembles a sumo wrestler in a white thong; so we have made the switch to boy shorts. We have come to the conclusion that the “balls to the wall” is not the best policy for me to follow.  Also; that my son has a touch of diarrhea mouth and has no filter.

Through this past year it has been a crazy journey and I have to say that I have made so many changes in my life that I have to look back and be proud of what I have done.  I rededicated my life to me and my family ( even though it was not hugely successful, it is the fact that I tried)  I restructured my work and gained new help.  I started a kick ass Man Hating club that meets once and month and is filled with some of the most amazing women; which more detail will be coming.  Not to mention the weight is better, and my health is better than it has even been.  I also made a promise to myself to take care for my entire debit in the next few years, and take that stress off my plate.  So here is to me….the fantastic fabulous, well dressed, charismatic, top shelf, individual I know. 

Now for setting the new goal, of course it will be to finish what I started, but I think I am going to through a twist on it.  This time it is for me, solely me.  I want to be able to look into the mirror; I want to be comfortable in my own skin again.  And if someone follows, so be it, and if he doesn’t so be that too! I will be requiring some help from you all of course.  Like a new Mantra, something to inspire me day after day.  Something I can scream from the roof top.  So I am taking suggestions, post them on my blog, send them to me, and write them on my wall. 

Here is to road we traveled in 2011, and the mountain we will climb in 2012!  

***THIS YEAR I AM DOING IT!!!

Starting over...

Well, here we are people it is November and it was August since I last posted.  I am sure you are all wondering what happened?  Did I give up?  Did I die?  Did I say to hell with it all?  Well truth be told it was a little of it all.  The last few posts were filled with self-pity as I am sure this one will seem somewhat like that too.  I thought who in their right minds wanted to spend thirty minutes of their day listening to me bitch and whine. 

So why, “Did I fall off the face of the earth?” I will tell you why and this is the hardest thing I have had to say it was because I felt I was living a lie.  I talked about what a great family I had, and how in their own way they were so supportive, when to be utter and totally honest.  BULLSHIT!  Oh yeah I had a good job, and a good looking husband, and a cool kid, but none of that seem to matter to the Nazi, there was no contentment no peace and satisfaction in life.  I couldn’t be honest and write about it because I felt it was just too personal.  So after some long self-absorbed pity and evaluation and decided “fuck it” You all have seen me in a suit which I puke and cry at every time I look at the picture, so let’s fill you in on the non-sugar coated version of my life. 

Things went downhill this year at a rapid pace when my marriage became as rocky as the Aspen, Colorado.  Sure I thought everything was coming up roses, supportive husband, good job, and new lease on life.  When a fucking lightning bolt hit me and made me see that it was all for nothing. It was all too late.  My son already had this impression of me that I will spend years trying to take out of his mind of the fat mom that smothers her son.  And my husband, though excited that I had taken an interest in healthy had no more interest in me.  So I spent the last few months fighting to stay on track but it just seem like I had no reason to stay on track. 

I thought about getting off the train and taking a bus, finding a new life, starting over.  Could I give up on me, my life and everything around me?  Was this my life failing right before my eyes?  I attempted to swim and hold my head up, but water kept on coming the hared I tried the more frustrated I became.  I could see everything I ever worked for falling apart piece by piece.    I felt myself shutting people and family out attempting to make choices of my future my families future based on raw emotion diluted with self-pity and pain. 

So now what?  The only thing I did manage to do successfully over the last few months is maintain my weight and even though my crazy goal of 60lbs is probably out of reach right now, I am hopeful that I can get a little closer.  However I have to decide to really do this for me, which is how I started this journey but got derailed.  So if I can keep the spite and angry out of my life perhaps I can get back on track. 

So people were we are; right back where we started. I hope you join me a again and perhaps this time with your help I won’t get lost.

Are you freaking kidding me!

21 weeks and I am finally at the 25lb mark.  I truly never thought I would get this far.  I have been so crazy busy with "Chicken Flats"  and hanging out with all my friends, and enjoying the summer it has been very hard to get off the freaking plateau.  But I did it, 25lbs!!  I even pushed my workout goals to the max and  ran a 10k the other day.  To think when I started this journey I was crazy heavy and could not run to save my life (unless it involved a drinking game), now I find myself encouraging other people I meet at social gatherings to join me and run.  The probably think I am drunk and my fat ass doesn't really work out, but I am totally siked.  (yes I used that old 90's word I don't care what you say people it is still cool.)

This past weekend we had family in and I even managed to drink like crazy and get up when everyone was sleeping and run...(what dedication, what spirit, I am getting to point where I have to give myself some mad props to keep me going so you all are just gonna have to deal with it!)   I just wish that would have watch what I ate, Because I get to visit my lover tomorrow and I am sure he is going to tell me that I gained another 3 lbs back.  If I did I will be so freaking mad I will spit!. 

All in all the last few weeks the Nazi has been a big part of me getting off the plateau.  Don't tell anyone but the Nazi, although sometimes too truthful has been helpful and I secretly like it.  BUT IF ANYONE TELLS HIM I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL FIND YOU AND HUNT YOU DOWN.  Cuz here is the thing, I still want him to feel like he is an ass and he should be super proud, love me, and want me even if he had to roll my fast ass over and put medicine on my my bed sores cuz I  am too big to roll over myself.  CUZ THAT IS WHAT HUSBANDS DO!  ( but I  know the truth..honestly if it was the other way around I just might have become the Nazi too)  But here is the thing, when pretty girls are with fat guys, they think "score!" for the guys and for the girl aww he must have a great personality.  When it is the other way around people just think..." ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?"  "WHY IS HE WITH THAT?" There is no compassion or consideration, hell we don't even get labeled as human.  So I am despritely trying to make up for lost time, cuz I am pretty sure many people look at me and my nazi and said.....ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!!