Well, here we are people it is November and it was August since I last posted. I am sure you are all wondering what happened? Did I give up? Did I die? Did I say to hell with it all? Well truth be told it was a little of it all. The last few posts were filled with self-pity as I am sure this one will seem somewhat like that too. I thought who in their right minds wanted to spend thirty minutes of their day listening to me bitch and whine.
So why, “Did I fall off the face of the earth?” I will tell you why and this is the hardest thing I have had to say it was because I felt I was living a lie. I talked about what a great family I had, and how in their own way they were so supportive, when to be utter and totally honest. BULLSHIT! Oh yeah I had a good job, and a good looking husband, and a cool kid, but none of that seem to matter to the Nazi, there was no contentment no peace and satisfaction in life. I couldn’t be honest and write about it because I felt it was just too personal. So after some long self-absorbed pity and evaluation and decided “fuck it” You all have seen me in a suit which I puke and cry at every time I look at the picture, so let’s fill you in on the non-sugar coated version of my life.
Things went downhill this year at a rapid pace when my marriage became as rocky as the Aspen, Colorado. Sure I thought everything was coming up roses, supportive husband, good job, and new lease on life. When a fucking lightning bolt hit me and made me see that it was all for nothing. It was all too late. My son already had this impression of me that I will spend years trying to take out of his mind of the fat mom that smothers her son. And my husband, though excited that I had taken an interest in healthy had no more interest in me. So I spent the last few months fighting to stay on track but it just seem like I had no reason to stay on track.
I thought about getting off the train and taking a bus, finding a new life, starting over. Could I give up on me, my life and everything around me? Was this my life failing right before my eyes? I attempted to swim and hold my head up, but water kept on coming the hared I tried the more frustrated I became. I could see everything I ever worked for falling apart piece by piece. I felt myself shutting people and family out attempting to make choices of my future my families future based on raw emotion diluted with self-pity and pain.
So now what? The only thing I did manage to do successfully over the last few months is maintain my weight and even though my crazy goal of 60lbs is probably out of reach right now, I am hopeful that I can get a little closer. However I have to decide to really do this for me, which is how I started this journey but got derailed. So if I can keep the spite and angry out of my life perhaps I can get back on track.
So people were we are; right back where we started. I hope you join me a again and perhaps this time with your help I won’t get lost.
