How Did I Become Patrick?

Well tomorrow is weigh in day, but I still hadn't faced my second truth; the tape measure.  No even though I spent years in denial and haven't taped my body since I got pregnant.  I was sure that I had some shape.  Large shape but some.  I would describe myself some what of a pear, not really and apple but I did notice that my middle had expanded some over the years.  Although with my sparkling personality and wit, who cared.  Clothes came in all shapes and sizes, and due to my height I was always used to tailoring items. 

So this morning, fresh out of the shower I did it.  I decided to be truly accountable, I had to face the truth.  Plus this way if I got on the scale again and it hadn't moved, I could at least fall back on a 1/4 of inch or some highlight of success.

Although  the scale was quite depressing and an eye opening experiance.  The tape has totally destroyed my day. I can positively say I am no pear or apple.  I am a freaking STARFISH,  all my appendages are the same freaking size...No wonder none of my shirts fit.  I have legs attached to my f'ing shoulders.  Not to mention my middle is the same size from the my neck to my ass.  What the hell, how did this happen?  Was I in a comma for the last few years.  How did I proudly walk the mall in my new shoes thinking people where checking out how good I looked.  When they were really thinking.." Marco, Polo...FISH OUT OF WATER!!!"  No joking aside my circumference is less then five inches from my height.  I am as wide as I am tall.  HOLY CRAP!!! 

NEW GOAL PEOPLE>>> I can not look like a starfish. 

Liar Liar...

Well it is Day One again... I did get up on time and manage to eat a light breakfast and tended to the house and will be starting my basic workout soon.  I even took my "skipper meds"  and I have to say I do feel slightly energized. 

Although today is not my weigh in day, I was feeling pretty positive considering all the awesome stories everyone posted on my Facebook page about their success.  It was quite inspiring, so I decided to get brave and visit my old friend the scale again.  I figure I have to get comfortable wtih seeing that number and should not be scared to face the truth. 

So again me and my arch enemy faced off, as I placed one foot on, then the other.  Hold my breath (as if that makes a difference)  and I watch as the number quickly roll up.  Like a slot machine from HELL.  I can't believe it.  I lost 2 1/2 pounds...Shut the front door! 2 1/2 pounds!!  I got back on the scale and this time with a sense of joy and excitement, I quickly gained the 2 1/2 pounds back.  "STUPID SLOT MACHINE FROM HELL!"

Today's assignment..crunches, push ups, and buying a new freaking scale!! 
(note to self..only weigh in on weigh in date!!)

What ever skipper!

Well, I am behind 2lbs already, and I can feel my failure starting.  So I have decided i need to find a work out routine.  I figure I should start small and work things in to my everyday so that I don't discourage myself.  Step one waking up 20 minutes earlier and doing some basic exercises.  Some push ups, crunches, and a little cardio jumping jacks.

Day One:  6 am...snooze....6:10 am...snooze....6:20 am....snooze...6:30 am....."Stupid freaking clock!  Starting day one tomorrow"

Day Two (redo of Day One):  6am....snooze...6:10am ....  "I'm up"  Turned alarm off.  Beep! Beep!  "Shit 7:30am....Crap now I am freaking late...tomorrow starting day one...I promise"

Day Three ( redo of redo Day One):  6am..."who the hell am I kidding!!!!"  need to find a better time..this is not working!"

Tomorrow is day four and a Saturday...so no excuses, but I did realize that perhaps my lack of motivation is clearly a true problem.  Maybe I need some kind of supplement to help with the energy.  I then decide to visit our local GNC and take a quick peek and see this there is something there that can help. 

May I just say; Is it a hiring requirement that you must be blond and a size 4 to work there.  Anyway as I enter the store and glance a around, a wonderful beautiful size four blond comes over to help.  I try not to judge...but come one people.  Food is not completely bad for you!! 

"May I help you?"  she asks in her utterly chipper voice that reminds me vaguely of a chatty Kathy doll.
"Yes I am looking for something that will give me some energy and perhaps help me shed a few pounds, but I don't want a shake, or a bar."  ( shed a few pounds...as if she believes that, lord knows I don't)

"You should try this stuff, it is a thermogenic and one of our best sellers"  She talks like a recording, I begin to wonder if that statement is true or perhaps beaten into them during their on the job training?

I begin to read the back and I think what's the harm, I am 2lbs behind schedule, going on 4...tired all the time, what do I have to loose but 40 bucks...which I can sadly drink or eat in one meal.  I walk to the check out and take my wallet out when Princess Skipper scans the bottle and says, " With diet and exercise this should work great"  Once again I wonder do they beat that into them...maybe the starve them into submission so that say that stuff, and when I leave Skipper can go have a doughnut in the back room.

I look at her, and politely say,  "Well diet and exercise is what is put me in this position.  Would you happen to have anything for sale in the store that you do not have to say that disclaimer?"

She smiles, with her recently zoomed teeth and says, "We sell water bottles"

"Just cash me out please."  I wonder if the water bottles would double as an enema when I shove it up her ass?

2lbs..tish tosh....

Okay so a week has gone by since my last post.  I did the hard part, I picked a goal.  In doing so I spent the last week carefully considering all the choices I made.  I limited junk and eat reasonable portions.  I really figured 2lbs..hell that is pure water weight.  That should come off in a blink of an eye.  Or at least with a diuretic.

Well...guess who jumped on the scale this morning and was very excited considering I attempted to stay at 1700 dollories.. a day.  When I looked down, I was in pure awe....total amazement....PUNCH ME IN THE FACE...I had lost ......nothing.  Not a single F$#&ing pound.  It is a good thing I gave myself a 30lb handicap. 

Although really; what was I thinking.  I have been on every diet invented...1700 dollories that is nothing.  I have lived on shakes for breakfast and lunch and manage not to loose weight.   Ate cabbage soup for weeks, and every other freaking shortcut that is written on the front of a book marked 20% off.   I guess I was stupidly optimistic.  I guess we have to go back to the drawing board and develop a much needed work out routine. 

Plan:  Tomorrow we attack work out routine.  (Don't judge..baby steps bob, baby steps) 

Why the hesitation?

So I did it, I faced my demon, I looked it right in the eye, stepped on and waited.  I held my breathe as the numbers quickly rolled up.  10..30...40..70...90..100...130....150........180......200.....250.....300. 
Ha! Right come on people like I was actually going to tell you what it stopped on.  Dream on! Lets just say I am under Kirsti Alley's pretend max weight.  Face it people..220 at 5 ft 9..is not fat it is a freaking lie. 

After facing the truth, I definitely need to loose weight.  Step one I need to find a system, Step two set a reasonable goal.  Step three accountability, monthly updates of weight and inches lost.  My concern is why.  Why did I wait so long? Why did I not see this?  Oh perhaps cuz I like who I freaking am!!!  Of course being skinny would be nice but..I am quite fantastic and I think perfect, so why change.

So lets tackle Step two (not because it does not require any physical work, but because it is truly easier).  They say that 2 pounds a week is a natural and healthy weight loss amount.  Let us begin there; there are 46 weeks left in the year.  That would be 92 pounds this year.  (Okay, like that is gonna happen) Now lets take off three weeks of vacation were I am totally sure I will not be loosing weight. We are at 86 pounds.  Now add 15 pounds gained from not trying to loose weight while I am on vacation.  Down to 71.  Now take off the weight I should have lost during the 5 major holidays that are still coming, that require picnics, drinks, and of course Turkey.  So we are now at 61 pounds.    Okay so 61 pounds by New Year's eve....  ( of course with a cushion of 30lbs...)

Tomorrow...Step one, and Step Three. 

Make it simple

I did some thinking and thought, loosing weight should be easy.  It is basically math, you get so many calories a day and then you try not to go into the red.  Kind of like a check book.  So maybe if I think of calories like money I would be wiser on how I choose to spend them.

Example:  I earn 2000 dollories..( he he it is funny you know it)  a day.  I should only spent 1800 dollories so that I don't bounce a check.  If 1800 dollars is not satisfying perhaps I need a new job at the gym to earn me some more dollories so that I can spend more.  Simple RIGHT? 

I have to wonder though, I am very good with money and math, but I have been so busy lately I have managed to bounce two checks, and over draft my account five times this year.  Did I mention that we are only 6 weeks into the year.  Maybe I need to find a new strategy...

Does any body no a good trainer/accountant?

D-Day

So day two of my voyage of reality.  I guess the next step is to decide exactly what to do.  Perhaps the doing is not the problem but the lack there of.  Let us take a moment to reflect on how I  got here, shall we. 

About 15 years ago I met someone.  Someone that managed to take myself centered mind off me and think about someone else for a change.  That should be a good thing right?  Of course it is, I can say with confidence, that man is probably the best thing in my life since brownies.  Any way, I spent years engulfing my life into his, all though I was totally okay with that.  We are complete opposites but a perfect fit.  

Then came work, which changed into a career, then the house, then I turned into a mom.  So how do you juggle all three, and yourself.  Well I decide the other day that my problem is I CAN'T JUGGLE.  I can't even catch a freaking ball.  (Which all stems to my childhood, or lack there of.  Self medication has helped me through that part of my life)  So my answer to all my problems, crap diets.  In the last five years, I have tried numerous exercise routines, countless diets, and spent more money on infomercial results then I dare to elaborate on.  What did I learn...all though things were disappointments and made me dislike who I was.

So I decided to start a new journey of my life. We started this training at work about accountability, or some shit, I really don't know cuz I was to busy with thinking of things to write in my blog.  But it accrued to me that I hold myself accountable for everything in my life.  Work, my home, how I raise my child.  Why is it I manage to find every excuse in the book and not hold myself accountable for what I look like? 

So it begins..Today I hold myself accountable.  I will get on the scale and face the reality of what I have done to myself and face it head  on like any other challenge in my life.  I will post my results and perhaps show some accountability. 

Ring..ring...  "Your selling what?   There will be.   Okay two it is..." 

So tomorrow is the day I start, I have been invited to a wine party.  Hell I've gone 15years, whats one more day..you can not turn down free wine..it is down right rude and we would not want to be known as the rude friend.

First time

Okay so here we go, I have decided that it is time for me to enlighten the world with my knowledge and comic relief.  Perhaps I should have done a little research.  Research that involves extra credit, something i was not the greatest at in school, so why even try in my later years in life. 

This is officially my first entry into my Blog.  Why did i start one, perhaps it is because the majority of my conversation deal with work, or which Spongebob episode is coming on next.  (Can some one explain to me why nick insist of showing the show for 4 hours in the evening every night!)   Well back to where i was, I realized on my, do i dare say it, my thirty-ish birthday that what do I have to show for it?  Sure married, ( happily) and mom, and a good career, but it was all routine.  So this is my attempt at a mid -life crisis that will perhaps turn into an book, or at least a good commercial. 

OK I GET IT...so you are wondering about the title..well for the past few years i feel like every time i turn around someone or something is always trying to pound something in my head.  Could it be the pants i put on every morning, that magically became a size smaller.  Or the fact the toilet bowl is shrinking?  Or that when i hold my breath, I no longer look smaller.  Or when I attempt to walk with a good posture, need to go to the chiropractor immediately.  OK I GET IT..I am turning into a giant.  It must be some kind of miracle perhaps i could be in the record books.  Or perhaps I should just walk my fat ass straight to the nearest Weight watchers and sign my soul to the dotted line.